


Everywhere we see silver & gold (SKAM)

by Emmlan



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9288545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmlan/pseuds/Emmlan
Summary: In this minute Isak feels a growing hope for more, for many more minutes just like this one.In this minute he knows Even feels it too.Life is complicated, messy and beautiful. Growing up, figuring out who you are and making sense of the experiences that have changed and shaped you is difficult. Frendship is family is support is strength. Love is everything, is highs and lows, heartbreaks and happily ever afters. Find out how Isak, Even. Eva, Chris S, Noora, William, Chris B, Sana, Magnus, Vilde, Jonas, Mahdi, Sonja and Emma navigate through it all.Ships: Evak, Noorhelm, ChrisEva, MagnusVilde.A massive thanks tojunkshopdiscofor beta reading this for me and being the best cheerleader!





	1. Just like in fiction, in every addiction

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter should give you an idea of how the story is structured. The plan is to have 16 parts with 16 different POV's. Each chapter will contain 2-4 parts. Each part has a title that comes from a song on the soundtrack for Skam Season 3.  
> In this chapter you get to read the POV's of William, Chris B, Jonas and Noora as they all experience different things before, during and after the Kosegruppa Christmas party.

#  1\. Just like in fiction, in every addiction (WILLIAM) 

Life goes on. It does. Of course it does. It’s what he’s learned. The hard way, many times. It goes on and if you want to hang on and not get lost in the traffic, you have to go with it - toughen up, grow strong, move on. Sometimes you have to move on before life decides to do it for you. Yes, he has run several times. Hidden away what truly mattered. Kept his true feelings close to heart. Hidden behind an aloof surface, a smug smile, shallow confidence oozing out of every pore. Shallow because deep down, at times he’d been screaming. Clawing frantically at the walls of his own mind’s self-imposed confinement. At times. 

When you can rely on no one but yourself you trust no one but yourself. As a child, that’s a hard lesson to learn. As a teenager, it makes it hard to put a real, fulfilling life together. As an adult? He wouldn’t know. He’s still not 20. He’s going to be soon. But he’s not sure 20 is even an age to be considered an adult. Then again he’s lived an adult life for many years, since he was but a child. It’s a balance between living the high life as a youth and taking on responsibilities no child should need to take on. He always did manage to balance well. Party hard with his friends but still do well enough in school and manage living by himself in the apartment.

Then she came along.

William takes in another drag from his cigarette before exhaling and letting the smoke color the crisp, London air for a minute. He’s supposed to be inside with his stockbroker friends that his father selected for him. The thing is, it’s not like he’s unhappy with his life in London. He started the summer with not having to go to prison for that incident outside of the russebus, he got really lucky that none of the Yakuza boys wanted to testify. Normally he would have been convicted regardless since he confessed but not only did the Yakuza boys refuse, the boy who he had injured with the bottle even chose to drop the charges. The prosecution still could have gone ahead based on his confession but it would have been an uphill battle and they chose not to waste resources on a case that was left with that many holes. So William graduated and then spent the whole summer in Norway with Noora.

By the end of the summer they left for London together and he finally got to spend time with his father again. What happened to Nico? William wasn’t too sure, last he heard he was sentenced for what he did to Noora. At this point, Nico was nothing but a bad memory, along with every other bad memory he’d ever lived through. 

 

Maybe it was the fact that he finally got some attention from his father, it made his desire to please him triple in size. So maybe he let his father choose where he would work, who he would spend time with. It seemed easier. It’s not like he had a network of his own yet, nor did he have a university degree. So he went with it. The highlight of his days wasn’t working at a desk close to his father, or spending time wining and dining business partners. No, his favorite part was coming home to Noora. She continued to be the one constant that would bring him true joy, and the only one to bring him out of his shell and admit to real emotions. The few times she and his father interacted, however, hadn’t been too successful. When he was with his father he wasn’t able to be his true self in the same way as around Noora. Even when she was right there, he couldn’t push through the shield he put up around himself where his father was concerned. He should have noticed. But he’d gotten so caught up. 

Now he’s standing here outside of a Knightsbridge pub, shivering in the cold December air, dreading going back to more booze and aggravating small talk about flashy cars and stock deals. She was long gone. 

It’s been more than a month since he got home late and found Noora gone. She’d left a note. He could tell what she wanted. She wanted another fairytale move. For him to follow her to Oslo, sweep her off her feet, fight for her. But at that time he wasn’t ready to do that. He was only getting home to get changed for a dinner with his father. Inner turmoil or not, he couldn’t stand him up. At that dinner his father inquired about Noora, as he usually would, barely containing the disdain in his tone. She’s too outspoken, too young, too feminist, too opinionated, too everything he’s not. Basically. Anyway, that’s when his father said “life goes on.” William told him Noora left and he replied that life goes on. Yes, William thought, I bet I know that better than you. Yet he hadn’t spoken, still too wrapped up in everything to figure out what he actually thought and how he actually felt.

William takes out another cigarette. Stalling. He knows what he has to do now. He’s pretty sure. It’s been growing in him since Noora left, this epiphany that life is more than this. It has to be. He is more than this, because he wants to be. He remembers Noora always telling him that he is smart. He’s decided he does want to go to school. Probably in Oslo. He knows he could pick any city really, but he wants to be where Noora is. If she’ll still have him. He has applied to business schools in several locations just be so safe. He doesn’t know where she wants to go after she graduates either. They can discuss it. Maybe if he starts in a program in Oslo he can transfer credits to another school depending on where she wants to go. He wants a business degree but he doesn’t want to be a stockbroker. He’s thinking marketing seems fun, seems like something he’d enjoy and be good at. The thought excites him way more than anything he’s seen or experienced in London so far. 

The first step starts soon. When he will go in and bid farewell to his so-called friends, go home and gather the suitcase he packed this morning and head to the airport. Step one begins soon. He’s just going to finish smoking.

_Flash forward._

Snow is falling when he gets to the airport, at first he worries it might delay his flight. It doesn’t look like it though, as he’s waiting to board on time. He’ll be in Oslo with hours to spare before midnight. He picks up his cell phone, scrolls through contacts, fingers stopping on her name. Should he text her? He hasn’t texted or called once since she left. She hasn’t reached out to him either, the last words of hers he has are on the note he carries in the inner pocket in his coat, close to the heart. No, he won’t text. He’ll meet her in person soon enough. Hopefully she’ll understand. He does however text his old friend Chris. Maybe he can pick him up at the airport.

_Flash forward._

William Magnusson is in a taxi from Oslo airport. Chris still hasn’t replied to his text. He’d be worried if he didn’t know his friend well enough to know he’s probably spending this Friday night at a party, working his magic on some unsuspecting girl. As the taxi gets closer to his destination, he also notes that his father hasn’t gotten back to him. He texted him after he left the London apartment. Told him he was going home. 

He knows life isn’t a fairytale or a novel. But that doesn’t mean you can’t write your own story and create the life you want for yourself. If he could get a future worth fighting for and also a chance to be with the girl he loves, he’ll take it. Now, he’s only hoping she will agree. He is worried she won’t. If she’s given up on them, he’s prepared to let her go. It’s going to hurt, but he’s lived through pain before. The only thing is, this heartache would crush the piece of him that only she can properly see. And that would be devastating.

Isak is the one who opens the door. Following close behind is a boy William doesn’t know. However he thinks he might have heard of him, he did see a photo earlier when he scrolled through Instagram. He can’t remember the name but he’s pretty sure this boy is Isak’s boyfriend. He’s genuinely happy for Isak, he seems far from the slightly troubled first year student he remembers from before he left for London.

“What are you doing here?” Isak greets him, looking suspicious.  
“I’m here to see her, if she wants to see me,” William replies honestly.  
“What took you so long?” Isak sounds exasperated, the other boy is watching the conversation with an amused and slightly confused look on his face.  
“I needed to figure some things out..”  
“Okaaay,” Isak says, still sounding suspicious. “I’m gonna go tell her someone’s at the door but if she doesn’t want to see you, you’ll leave.” 

William nods.

Isak turns to the other boy, whispers something in his ear, leaving a kiss close to the ear before he heads inside. The boy turns to William with a sheepish smile, extends his hand.  
“I’m Even,” he says.  
“William.” 

They awkwardly shake hands.

“So,” William starts. “Fun party?”  
“Just a little Christmas get together,” Even laughs, a little breathlessly as if he’s nervous. William doesn’t really feel like making an effort and making the other boy more comfortable. He’s only here for Noora after all. Then again, he figures he’ll have a better chance of making things right with her if he’s at least somewhat friendly to her friends.  
“Nice,” he says. He tries to come up with something more to say but he really doesn’t know this boy, he plasters on his trademark smirk, slightly aloof, oddly charming.  
“Kosegruppa actually,” Even starts to babble. “If you know what that is? I mean, I barely know what it is and I’m in it. A revue group. You probably remember the revue? Should be fun. But Kosegruppa, I mean, I don’t know. I mostly joined because Isak was going to be there. I wanted a reason to meet him. Erm...not that I’m some weirdo stalker.”

William can’t help himself, a genuine smile spreads across his face. This boy apparently has no filter. And he seemed so calm, cool and collected at first glance.  
“Do you always talk this much?” he can’t help but ask. Even blushes.  
“Not really no,” Even smiles a bit, sheepishly. “Only in awkward situations.” William nods, this is indeed quite awkward. But Even’s little rant did help ease the mood, William is feeling a lot less tense now.  
“I tried to get Noora interested in me for way too long until she finally saw things my way,” he offers, as a counter to all that honesty Even just unloaded. Even smiles.  
“Noora is a really awesome person,” he says. “I don’t know her all that well yet but I can tell that much. I hope you work it out.”

William nods, he hopes so too. Tiny butterflies have started racing around in his stomach, what is taking Isak so long? Is Noora busy hooking up with someone else? No, that’s not her style. At all. But could he really blame her if she’d moved on? 

Lost in his own thoughts he misses Even nervously glancing around as an awkward silence once again encompasses them. A silence that is luckily, suddenly interrupted.

Isak is back. Behind him she walks. It’s obvious Isak hasn’t told her who exactly was at the door. The minute she looks up through her blonde hair, her red mouth parts in a tiny o and her eyebrows rise high while her forehead crinkles.  
“You...” she doesn’t finish the sentence. William refuses to break eye contact but he can sense Isak and Even disappearing back to the party.  
“Can I come in?” he asks.

# 2: Falling deeper by the hour (CHRIS B)

Chris Berg has always been boy crazy. You probably wouldn’t have guessed it just looking at her, she doesn’t really come across that way. But there’s more to her than meets the eye. Boy crazy. Only now she’s crazy about one boy and one boy alone. Kasper. Her boyfriend. Yeah. She still kinda gets goosebumps just thinking that word. Boyfriend. He is her actual boyfriend and has been since they hooked up at that party at William’s in the early stages of last summer. 

So maybe she’s been a bit too Kasper crazy this semester. She is forced to face that fact when her grades have slipped quite a bit. Her attendance hasn’t been great either she learns. Vilde was one big I-told-you-so, sitting next to her in the school cafeteria during their lunch break as she texted Kasper to blame him for her failures. He called her right back, sincerely apologizing and she could never be mad at him, she was a tad bit mad at herself but not too much of that either to be honest. They said their I-love-yous before hanging up and her friends made joking gagging noises in the background.

It’s just nice, is the thing. With a boyfriend, she never has to work to hook up. If she feels like it and he feels like it then they’ll do it. They mostly feel like it. Both of them. Teenage hormones probably. Also, she does really enjoy being around him even when they’re not making out or having sex. He’s funny, underneath his quiet and slightly subdued personality. He takes everything she says very seriously. He actually listens to her. She doesn’t have to try to be so ‘on’ all the time. Not always try to be funny, not always try to be outspoken, to stand out. She can just be her when she’s with him, just relax. Sometimes they spend a whole evening just being quiet. Not that she can’t make him laugh too, but it’s not expected of her. There’s no expectations on her at all. She loves that.

Chris is thinking about all this later in the evening as she’s sat with her girls, painting Christmas ornaments for the tree Vilde decided was needed to complete this Kosegruppa event. Kosegruppa is nice. She doesn’t wholly get the point of it more than Vilde needing to once more make her mark on the social life of Nissen. But it’s nice. She loves her friends. But they’re not Kasper. She knows they don’t expect her to perform either, but it still sometimes feels like it. 

It happens in any group, she’s sure of it. Each person in a group of friends end up taking on a specific role. With them, Sana is the badass, outspoken ice-queen. Vilde is the loveable, innocent people pleaser. Noora is the sophisticated, the feminist, the one oozing with quiet confidence. Eva is the glue that ties them all together, she’s the peacemaker, the lighthearted, the fun loving. Chris? She’s the funny fat friend. No insult meant, none taken. She honestly doesn’t mind. She knows her body type, she loves her body type. She also knows her personality and she knows she has a wicked sense of humour, being the funny one is honestly an honor especially in this group where they’re all a little loud, outspoken and hilarious.

None of the girls think of her as the “funny fat friend” of course (honestly she knows they’d consider even the notion that that’s how she thinks of herself to be degrading and mean) but she knows she fits that category fairly well. That said it’s not as if her only job is to be funny. She’s also the more nurturing one, taking care of her girls, the mother hen. She doesn’t mind, she likes being those things. But when she’s with Kasper she only has to be Chris. It’s nice. 

Since she’d had her head a bit too far up Kasper’s ass (sometimes literally which...that was, well, that was something they might not want to do again actually but you gotta try everything at least once, that’s her motto) this semester, she’s missed a lot of the drama at school. She’s been there but her mind’s been a bit too preoccupied to pay attention to the rumor mill even when the latest have always, predictably, been delivered to her and the other girls in the loud and excited voice of Vilde. That said, she’s not blind. She’s noticed that Isak has gotten himself a man. Good for him. She raises her glass towards them, where they’re currently cosied up by the kitchen counter. They don’t notice her gesture, she can’t blame them. Few things are better than a good make out session. The doorbell rings and Isak and Even stop sucking face and go to get the door. 

Speaking of make out session. Something’s happening. Seems Vilde is finally getting some. Chris giggles, she also hears Eva trying to muffle her giggles while Noora and Sana just stare incredulously. Because by the Christmas tree, Vilde is being kissed to within an inch of her life by Isak’s friend Magnus. Wow. Unexpected. Chris seems to remember Vilde mentioning a crush and ok maybe that crush was on Magnus. Chris really needs to get better at paying attention to her friends. Her girls mean the world to her. Being Kasper crazy is fine but she needs to prioritize her friendships too. She nods to herself. 

However...she glances at the clock on the wall. Picks up her phone, scrolls through her unread texts. “Ladies,” she says. Getting up from her seat. “I promised Kasper we’d meet up tonight so I should probably…” She’s interrupted when suddenly Isak is demanding Noora’s attention. Someone’s at the door. Someone’s there to see Noora. Chris is frozen in place, she’s sitting back down again, her gaze finds Eva’s and Sana’s. Do you think…? She’s trying to convey the question without speaking. Their eyes seem to be speaking the same language as hers, they appear to be thinking the same thing. 

Sana mutters under her breath “I’m going to kill him.” 

Chris nods slightly.

As Noora questions them, they give nothing away but when she walks off with Isak, Chris has decided Kasper has to wait. Tonight just turned extra interesting. She texts him to let him now she’ll see him tomorrow. Then she starts whispering with her girls. If the person at the door is who they think it is, they’re ready for to stand up for their friend and protect her from more heartbreak. This means war.

# 3: You wanna be high for this (JONAS) 

Maybe he’s always been a bit too nerdy. A bit too full of facts. A bit too dorky. That seemed to be the case when he was younger at least. He was always a little bit bullied. Not a lot, not enough for teachers or parents or really anyone to notice but enough for him to know he was not wanted. He grew up well though, the girls started finding him cute and suddenly nerds were on TV and being a bit of a geek wasn’t so bad anymore.

He also started making real friends. First in Isak. Then his first real girlfriend in Ingrid and he made great friends with her best friend Eva. Suddenly he had a group of people he enjoyed spending time with and who wouldn’t slam him for also sometimes wanting to discuss Marxist theories or whatever else was currently running through his brain. So what if he liked knowing things. So what if he liked having good grades. 

It wasn’t exactly “cool” though. Of course, going into high school he was going to attend Hartvig Nissen, a school with a good reputation. Kids there had good grades, wanted good grades. Just, you weren’t really supposed to talk about it. He kinda needed to chill a bit to be honest. When Eva, who was now his girlfriend (wow had that been a crazy ride, he did feel a bit bad about how that all had played out with Ingrid but whatever life goes on) talked about getting into the social life at the school he’d mostly fought the urge to roll his eyes at her. Still. As the first year came to an end, as did their relationship he was starting to realize maybe she hadn’t been too far off in her initial approach to high school. 

Jonas was still never going to be into the whole russe culture. Nope no way. But he did appreciate the reputation he’d gotten around the girls of the school, hooking up was a lot of fun. He didn’t mind parties either, as it turned out. Having a few beers but most importantly, smoking up with his boys. Who knew when he and Isak first had tried smoking pot that it would become a constant for him. Ok, he’ll admit he became a bit too obsessed with it in the beginning. It was just hard ok? First year, all that pressure trying to find friends, trying to keep a girlfriend. He didn’t know many people and he barely knew anyone who could get him the good shit. So he got a bit obsessive. He got over that though.

Now in the second year, he’s established a group of friends. Him, Isak, Magnus and Mahdi. They pre-game together, they hang out at school and yeah they get high together. But it’s honestly not that often. Not even at every party or pre-game. Jonas still likes it and knows they do too, he just doesn’t feel as if he needs it as much as last year? Not in the same obsessive way at least. That’s probably a good thing. 

Getting to a place where he was friends with his ex had taken a while. With Ingrid it really hadn’t been possible. He was lucky that she’d been a bit more angry at Eva than at him, but even now long after their less than amicable break up they still wouldn’t talk if they saw each other at school, just cordially nod. Jonas heard that Ingrid and Eva had made up, that made him feel better. Not that they were back to being best friends, that was something they could never get back, but they were at least friendly if they met at school or at parties. Becoming friends with Eva had first been really easy, then a bit more complicated as jealousy and other feelings had started to arise from both sides. Now, almost a year after they split, Jonas feels that they are finally in a really good place. He’s watching her flirt with the same guy who she cheated on him with last year, and he feels no animosity whatsoever. It’s a good thing. 

They’re at a Christmas party at Isak’s house. Actually a Kosegruppa Christmas gathering to be exact. Jonas honestly things Kosegruppa and the whole revue madness is bullshit. He still can’t believe Isak turned down the dance chicks’ invitation to their Christmas party - then again, it’s not exactly a hardship to be here. There’s beer, cute girls and mostly all of his friends. There’s Eva and her group of girls including Vilde who Magnus has the hots for. There’s Isak and his boyfriend Even, there’s Mahdi and Magnus. Overall, it’s a pretty good night.

After some excellent advice from Even they sent off Magnus to attempt to hit on Vilde. From what him and Mahdi had seen when they’d followed to spy on them, it had gone well. The pair of pent up sexual frustration had gone off to make out in a corner somewhere. Jonas and Mahdi had gone out to smoke. Jonas has only just gotten back inside. He can see Isak talking to Eva, he’s very happy they seem to be getting along well again. He’s not exactly sure what happened but the relationship between the two of them had been a bit strained since last Christmas. Eva eventually gets up and walks over to the kitchen, probably to refill her glass of wine.

Jonas sits down next to Isak who is still watching Eskild and Even being silly while trying to put up the mistletoe over the door. “Things are good?” he asks. It was clear things had been rough for Isak lately. A roller-coaster of emotions ever since he’d first met the older boy who he’s now very reluctant to move his eyes from as he turns towards Jonas. 

Isak smiles, slightly. “Things are really good, right now things are great.” 

Jonas smiles too, that makes him feel good. He thinks he can see a change in Isak, like a weight has been lifted off him. Even a couple weeks ago when he was heartbroken over Even, there was still this weightlessness over him. As if he was finally being true to himself. It was good to see but it also made Jonas feel really shitty for not noticing before that there’d been a cloud over his best friend’s head. He remembers how scared Isak had been that day when they’d eaten kebabs and he’d admitted to having a thing with Even, with a boy. He remembers how relieved Isak had been when he’d reacted well and how surprised he’d been when also Mahdi and Magnus had responded to the news with nothing but support. 

“He’s feeling better?” Jonas asks, nodding his head in Even’s direction. Even who’s now talking to Sana over by the kitchen counter. 

“I think the worst has passed,” Isak replies. “For now at least, this time around.” 

“That’s good,” Jonas glances at Even again, laughing at something Sana is saying. “He seems like a good dude,” he says. “But you’re my best dude, and if he ever hurts you…” 

Isak laughs, a quick breathless sound. “He probably will,” he says matter-of-fact. “I’m probably going to hurt him too. That’s life. We’ll deal with it as it comes along. Same with his illness, it’s never going to go away. But we’ll take it day by day.” 

“Minute by minute,” Jonas replies, remembering the conversation they’d had outside of the school earlier that week. 

“Yeah,” Isak smiles. “We’re young, who knows what’ll happen, but for now I’m happy to have him.” 

“You loooove him,” Jonas teases with a big grin. 

Isak blushes. 

“You totally do!” Jonas exclaims, more serious this time. 

Isak shrugs. “Even if that’s true it’s not like I’m gonna tell you that before I’ve told him that,” he reasons. 

“Ok, fair point. But you should probably talk about that soon,” Jonas advises. 

“Yeah maybe. I just…” Isak sighs. “This is important to me and there’s no stress. “ 

“Minute by minute,” Jonas repeats. 

Isak nods and gets up to join Even where Sana has left him in the kitchen. Jonas gets up to go looking for Magnus and Mahdi.

Shortly thereafter the doorbell rings.

#  4: I miss the way we used to argue (NOORA) 

She wasn’t one for dramatics. She really wasn’t. So when she felt tempted to describe the feeling in her chest lately as “hollow” and her life as “empty of all meaning” she wanted to smack herself hard in the face. With a chair. Still, that’s how she felt. Not that she let that drag her down, she knew she was lucky to have her amazing group of friends. The best support system a girl could ask for. One of the major reasons why she’d come back to Oslo. London had been so lonely. This new loneliness was of a different kind, where she just felt that a piece of her heart was missing, as melodramatic as that sounds. Even so, at least here she had her friends. She had her life. In London she’d tried and failed to fit into someone else’s life, a life that wasn’t even his own to begin with. Looking back, it had been destined to fail.

Noora Amalia Saarte really wasn’t the type of girl who would ever throw away her life for a boy. She really wasn’t. So it had been quite a surprise for everyone, let alone for herself, when she agreed to go to another country with a boy she’d barely known for a year. Then again she was never one to not take on an adventure. The adventure he’d offered had made sense to her. It wasn’t like she was dropping out of school, she was taking a sabbatical. Maybe life in London would have been easier if she’d had school or something, anything outside of William to focus on. It probably would have helped a lot. 

Honestly, she probably shouldn’t have gone with him. She really isn’t the type of girl who does things like that. But she did so she thinks maybe that means she is. Even if she doesn’t want to be and she never thought she was. There’s a lot about the type of person she thought she was that goes against the type of person she’s realized she actually is, and all of those realizations have come through meeting him. She usually can’t decide if that’s good or bad. Sana would say it’s good, that someone can change you or at the very least make you realize you’re not as set in stone as you thought you were. Opinions that can be changed probably should be changed, she would say. Noora has wise friends. 

After she came back to Oslo she was so sure he was going to be right behind her. But then days turned into weeks turned into a month. Turned into too much time. If he showed up now she wasn’t sure what she would say. Did she even know him anymore? Did she ever really know him? Then again, maybe she was selfish to think she was the most important thing to him. Yes, she didn’t much like his father and he didn’t much like her, but if William truly loved his father and being close to him was important for him, then who was she to judge that? If his life in London was more important to him than being with her then she would just have to accept that. 

She thought about contacting him, to see if they should try long distance. But. Her pride was hurt, she was woman enough to admit that. She wasn’t going to be the first to reach out. Nope. She would rather let this new sense of loneliness make itself comfortable in her heart while she waited, waited for something she was beginning to think would never happen.

The past few weeks had been intense at Kollektivet. As the family they were, they supported each other through trying times and she’d been happy to be there for Isak just as he and the others had been there for her since she returned from London. Being there for Isak had also turned into being there for Even,the beautiful yet troubled boy who was Isak’s boyfriend. Earlier this week he had been spending his days in Isak’s bedroom, hardly ever leaving his bed. Depression, Isak had said. Different yet similar to what Linn struggled with. Even, unlike Linn, was bipolar, Isak had told them. The manic episode he’d just come out of had been the cause for Isak’s heartbreak not long ago.

What a rollercoaster that must have been, Noora thinks as she hangs another ornament on the Christmas tree Vilde had bought for this Kosegruppa Christmas gathering. But then again, isn’t love always a rollercoaster. Ups, downs, highs, lows. And, right now both Isak and Even seem to be doing much better. She looks up to see them standing by the kitchen counter, whispering to each other, giggling, kissing. She can’t help but smile even though seeing them there, radiating happiness and love, makes the hole in her heart ache longingly. 

She keeps her eyes moving, looking around the room. Almost everyone she holds near and dear to her heart are there. Eva, Sana and Chris. Eskild, Linn, Isak, Even. Isak’s friends. She notices Vilde and Magnus making out in a corner. Finally! She smiles, those two deserve each other. She’s pretty sure they could be really good together. If Vilde could just relax and stop trying so hard. 

Eva is talking to William’s friend Chris. Noora is a bit surprised to see him at this party, but she knows Eva invited him. He’s unusually compliant when Eva asks something of him, William used to say he had a soft spot for her. Noora couldn’t really see it then, but maybe she can now. Her fingers itch, wanting to text him, teasingly letting him know that once again she’s come around to his way of thinking. She can’t, she won’t. Too proud. No. She’s strong enough to not be the first one to reach out. She turns around from the Christmas tree and goes to sit down with her girls again.

A while later, the doorbell rings.

She’s not paying much attention to the door after Isak and Even have gone to open it. She hasn’t invited anyone so she doesn’t feel the need to pay attention. She’s deep in a conversation with Sana, talking about how she approaches the holidays as a muslim who definitely does not celebrate Christmas yet lives in a country where pretty much everyone else does. It is a very interesting topic of conversation and they’re focused on nothing else but that and the ornaments they’re painting as they talk. Somewhere next to her she hears Chris get up and announce she's going to leave only to suddenly sit back down again. It takes Noora a little while longer to notice that Isak is standing right by them, trying to get her attention. 

“What’s up?” she asks. “Who was that at the door?” 

Isak shuffles his feet a bit, looking uncomfortable, glancing over to the door where Noora can barely make out the back of Even’s head. 

“Someone’s here to see you,” Isak eventually says, after the other girls have also noticed him there and a strange silence has lowered itself over their table. 

“Someone?” Noora asks, confused. “But you’re not going to tell me who?”

“You better see for yourself, “ Isak says. “See for yourself and if you want them to leave after you’ve seen who they are, then we’ll just make them go.”

Noora is feeling even more confused. They? There’s more than one person here to see her? Or Isak doesn’t want to give away if it’s a girl or a boy. 

She suspiciously eyes her friends.

“Did you guys invite anyone? Trying to hook me up with someone? Blind-date?” 

They all shake their heads, seriously, no one even daring to joke. For some reason, the air in the room feels very serious and heavy all of a sudden. It’s as if they know who’s at the door.  
“But you know who it is,” she accuses. 

They shake their heads again. Eva mutters something about being able to guess, maybe. 

Noora still feels confused. Because. Because well. Maybe she could guess too. But. Really? Now? Why? No, she can’t let herself believe it. She gets up, out of her chair. Looks suspiciously at the girls once more, gives Eskild the side-eye too but he’s making an “I’m-innocent” gesture with his hands. She follows Isak towards the door. 

When she sees him. Shock. 

“You…” she says, can’t get any more words out. Too surprised by his whole presence. He looks just the same as he did when she saw him last. She still wants to run her fingers through his messy hair. She still wants to pull him in, pull him closer, hug him and never let go.

“Can I come in?” he asks. His voice still sounds the same too. But his eyes are soft, softer than she remembered. His whole demeanor, something submissive about it, as if expecting to be turned down, as if waiting for her direction. That’s not his usual style. She doesn’t let him in.

Instead she grabs a coat, she’s not sure whose it is, and steps out. Closes the door behind her. Then they’re standing there, close but not too close. Their breaths colliding with the cold air creating little smoke puffs. 

“What are you doing here?” she asks, her eyes fixed on his feet. He’s wearing the shoes she told him he should get last time they went browsing the shops on Oxford Street. He must have bought them after she left. 

“I needed to see you,” he says, all matter of fact. She looks up, suddenly angry. “Really now, suddenly you just needed to see me. After what, a month? Six weeks? Must have been a desperate need.”

She notices pain in his eyes, and that shuts her up. Quicker than she’d like. She would prefer to yell some more. But he opens his mouth and starts to speak and she soon realizes this is something she wants to hear, no needs to hear. 

His first thought had been to come to her right away. He knew that’s what she wanted. But, he explains as they unconsciously move closer together. But he knew he had to figure out what he truly wanted. It was never not you, he says. I have always wanted you. But all the rest, I needed to figure out what I wanted my life to be. My dad, London, everything. I didn’t want to come to you until I was sure. 

Her heart is beating so hard her ears are ringing. He’s put his arms around her, carefully, giving her all the time in the world to push him away but she’s pulled him close. “You’re sure now?” she whispers, her mouth so close to his ear. Her lips so close to his skin, she wants to kiss. But first she needs to know. 

“Yes, I’m sure now. I’m ready to talk to you about it. I’m ready for us to make plans, together this time. That is if you still want anything to do with me.”

She pulls back a bit, finds his eyes. Sees nothing but sincerity there. “You’re here to stay?”

“Well, I don’t plan on going back to London anytime soon,” he says. “I want to study and I’ve applied for schools in different places and one of those places is Oslo. If you’re not opposed to the idea of being stuck with me, I was planning on staying around. At least until you get sick of me.”

A small laugh escapes her lips. She can hardly believe the things he’s saying. He’s spoken more and more sincerely than he ever has before. It’s everything she’s always wanted from him. But she still has to make sure. “And this is what you want? Truly? Not just what you think I want?” 

He smiles and assures her that he’s sure. “Me in London was what my dad wanted, me coming after you right way was what you wanted. This, me right here right now, is what I want.”

She kisses him. It feels just like before. Maybe even better. 

Nothing is magically fixed. But she lets him in. They kiss again under the mistletoe. She lets him explain to her friends as they descend on him threatening murder. She lets him take her to his apartment. They’re going to keep talking. Making plans. It’s not all just magically solved. But he’s here. So is she. And she really believes there’s nothing they can’t conquer as long as they’re together.


	2. That doesn't mean you mean that much to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we get to follow Eva, Mahdi, Emma and Chris S (Penetrator Chris) the day of the Kosegruppa Christmas party. The title of each of their parts come from songs that are on the soundtrack of SKAM season 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank each and everyone of you who've given this story kudos or written a comment. All the feedback means so much to me! I haven't written fanfics in almost 10 years and this is my first time writing one in English.

#  5: That doesn't mean you mean that much to me (EVA) 

Eva honestly just wanted to enjoy being a teenager. The highs, the lows. She didn’t want to miss a thing. She did miss her mother, of course. At times at least. But she knew she had her, had her support if she ever really needed it. And she had the best friends a girl could ask for. She never would have thought that would be the case when all that drama with Ingrid had gone down just before she started at Nissen. She even had a friendly relationship with her ex, which isn’t something most people get to have. She had parties, hook-ups, and she still managed to do ok in school. Not as great as she’d like to be doing, but decent. Currently good enough. 

Sometimes she still dreamed of Chris’ face. For no reason what so ever. Obviously. 

It was weird. Christoffer had been a constant in her life since she first met him at that party she went to in her first year. The party where she also met Noora, Vilde and Chris for the first time. Of course he’d been a constant at school, he was a part of the Penetrator (later known as Riot) gang, he was a third year, he was a Russ. Their paths would cross at parties. Their paths would cross even more often when her best friend started dating his best friend. It was natural. But she wanted nothing to do with him after she’d accidentally cheated on Jonas with him and then all that drama with Iben went down. At least that had been her initial stance. She could flirt, because why not, right, especially when she and Jonas were over. Funny how some flirting easily led to some making out. Oh well, they were both young and just having some fun. Right? That was harmless enough.

He graduated and she wasn’t expecting him to still be a constant in her life. Only, he was. Which was weird. Their other common denominator, Noora and William, had left for London. There was no reason for him to show up everywhere. Ok, fine if she saw him at parties. He apparently saw no wrong with attending the parties of people who were still at Nissen even though he wasn’t anymore. That was fine. But she’d forgotten that he knew where she lived. 

It may or may not have happened a couple of times that they got sick of hooking up at parties and went to her place, if he’d spent the night and even stayed for breakfast a few times then that’s not something they ever talked about. They didn’t ever mention how sometimes breakfast had turned into watching silly videos on YouTube until suddenly he’d stayed way longer than what could be assumed as normal for a one night stand. Not that a normal one night stand would be a recurring occurrence anyway. 

Anyway. He’d taken to showing up at her house. To hook up she’d assumed, and she’d let him in. Several times. It was fine. Only. He’d started staying, showing up and not going for the goods right away. Helping with homework?? He was...surprisingly good at school work. Or maybe not so surprisingly, he did manage to graduate and she knew he was currently enrolled at a university course. It just didn’t really mesh with his rep. Then again Noora always told them how smart William was. Eva honestly thought it was a bit unfair that even the most reckless party boys were better at school then she. So maybe she accepted his help with her homework. Maybe she tried not to think too much about it.

After Noora got back from London it was harder to keep from the girls what was happening with her and Chris. Or not happening. Because honestly nothing was happening. So what if she kept seeing him once in awhile. Or a few times a week. So what. It’s not like they ever really talked. Except for how she’d told him she felt lonely in her own house sometimes and how he’d one night let it spill that he didn’t feel welcome at his, how living with his friends felt more like family than anything else ever had. That wasn’t...that wasn’t actual daylight conversation though. It didn’t count. Surely. Anyway she hadn’t told the girls, of course they’d see them hooking up and they’d tease her. Try to get her to share. But it was weird for her. She wasn’t sure of anything. Then Noora came home and Eva felt guilty.

That didn’t stop her from not stopping Chris whenever he showed up however. She considered talking to him about William, seeing if he knew anything that might help Noora. But it didn’t feel right, it felt weird, like crossing a line. So she never asked.

Eva was testing him. That’s what she was doing when she texted him to let him know Kosegruppa would have a Christmas gathering at Isak’s and saying that she’d like to see him there. Honestly, why would he show up. No way was that his scene. Kosegruppa, he wasn’t even at Nissen anymore and when he was he was not at all involved in revue things. It was a Friday night, there had to be a thousand better parties for him to attend. But she wanted to test him. If he came, he came for her. 

That meant something. She wasn’t sure what, but it meant something. Just like all the things she’d tried to put out of her mind over the past few months also meant something. She wasn’t sure what to do with that information yet, still struggled to reconcile the Chris she was starting to get to know with the one she’d first met last year. But if he showed up, she promised herself that she would deal with it. Eventually. Somehow. She’d woman up and talk to him. Things might come crashing down if she did, but living in denial wasn’t doing either of them any good.

He showed up.

The night is in full swing. Christmas music blasting from the speakers, cheerful voices talking and laughing, the lights on the Christmas tree Vilde bought spreading a pleasant light in the room. And Chris is there. She doesn’t understand how his smile can be so soft, how his eyes can be so open. She doesn’t understand him. She greets him with a hug and tries to make her smile as soft around the edges as his. She hands him a beer. He clinks it against her glass of wine. They’re in the middle of a sea of people, he looks at her as if he’d like to kiss her but he doesn’t. She never knew he could be respectful. The girls call her over, she directs him to where he can get some things for the ornaments they’re all making then she goes back to sit with her girls.

“Penetrator Chris is here, what is he doing here?” Vilde enquires excitedly yet bewildered. 

“I’m sure Eva invited him,” Sana states, matter of fact.   
“Eva and Penetrator Chris sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g…” Chris sings teasingly. 

Eva blushes, eyes Noora worriedly. 

Noora just giggles. “Come on Eva, we’re not that dumb,” she says. “It’s been obvious for a while that you two have something going on.”

Eva smiles sheepishly. “I just...I honestly don’t know what we’re doing. It’s kinda..embarrassing.” 

Sana stares her down. “What? You’ve been hooking up with the same boy for a while now and you’re embarrassed to tell us? As if we would judge.” 

“It’s not that. Well a bit maybe. It’s just. Yeah we’ve been hooking up for a while but we’ve not defined anything. I didn’t think we needed to but.” 

Noora looks way too knowingly at her. “But now you’ve started to think that maybe you should. Because maybe it all means something more to you than casual hooking up.” 

Eva nods. 

“That’s so exciting!” Vilde exclaims. “Do you think he feels the same way?” 

Eva looks over to where Chris is standing, talking to Jonas, Isak, Mahdi and Magnus. 

“I don’t know.” 

“He showed up here, “ Sana says. “This isn’t his scene at all but he’s here. For you. That means something.”   
“Maybe,” Eva allows.   
“You should talk to him,” Vilde advises. 

“I will,” Eva agrees. “Maybe later tonight.” 

Life is now. 

Isak has gotten up and walked over to Even by the mistletoe and they’re kissing. Again. Eva can’t help but smile. She’s so happy to see her friend happy. Life is now, Isak said. He has found something worth fighting for, he’s aware it might not last forever. But life is now. That’s what matters. This minute. She looks over at Jonas who’s standing with Mahdi, catcalling Magnus whose making out with Vilde in a corner. Eva meets his eyes and they smile. Life is now. She had her now with Jonas. It was a good now. It was great. It ended. That’s how life goes sometimes. Their new now, the one happening right now, is pretty good too. She’s so grateful that they’re friends. She’s so grateful to have Isak too. He didn’t need to apologize for last year. It was nice of him to do so but none of that was ever his fault. That he didn’t actually have feelings for her, well that was something she’d figured out a long time ago. Life is now. She spots Chris standing by the tree. Alone. She’s surprised he hasn’t left yet. She gets up and walks over to him. 

“Are you having fun?” she asks. 

He shrugs, but smiles when he turns around to face her. “It’s not bad,” he says. “Cosy.” 

She laughs. “Yeah well, this is Kosegruppa.” 

They stand there, staring at each other for a while. His eyes search hers, she’s not sure what he’s looking for or if he finds it. 

“We should talk,” she says after a while. “I know that’s not what we usually do, but we got to make an exception.” 

He tenses up a bit, shifts awkwardly. But eventually he nods, sighs. “You’re probably right.” The girls call her over. 

“I’ll find you later?” He nods, gives her a brief kiss on the side of her mouth, walks into the kitchen to find another beer. 

The doorbell rings.

Suddenly William is there. In the room. Arms around Noora. Kissing her under the mistletoe. Eva is angry. So are the others. They try to pry him off their friend. Noora just giggles, red faced, sheepish. William explains. Eva can sense Chris close by, just behind her as he too listens to William’s explanation of why things happened the way they did with Noora. He doesn’t say a lot. Noora says the only one he really owes an explanation to is her, and she’s willing to forgive him. They all back off a bit at that, Sana still throwing suspicious looks his way. William and Chris hug it out, bro style. They whisper something, Eva can’t hear. Then William takes Noora by the hand and they leave. Chris is left standing in front of her. 

“I guess now is as good a time as any to talk?” he says. She looks around, but Vilde has returned to the table and is busy gossiping with Sana and Chris about what just happened with Noora and probably about what she’d been up to with Magnus as well. Even and Isak are standing with Jonas and Mahdi, they’re all listening to Magnus who is most likely talking about Vilde. Everyone seems to be having a good time, and no one seems to need her at this very moment. So yeah. He’s probably right. 

“Let’s go to my house,” she says. 

They grab their coats, bid their farewells and as the knowing eyes of her friends follow their movements they exit into the cold December night.

# 6: Shock me like an electric eel (MAHDI) 

Friendship is the rule he lives by. He feels the best when he has a group of friends to share life with, a group of people who he’d do anything for and who’d do anything for him. He’s very loyal, more so than he appears at first glance. Once he’s chosen you, once you’ve received his brand of friendship, you’re in for life. That’s brotherhood. That’s friendship. It’s a way of being Mahdi prides himself on sticking with. It also means he hasn’t had a ton of friends throughout his life. Being loyal doesn’t mean he’s a friendship whore. No, he’s picky. Only the ones really deserving of it will get his friendship. It’s not that he has a list of criteria or anything, or that it has to take a long time for him to choose you. It’s more a gut feeling, either it’s there or it’s not. Usually it’s not. Just because he’s a friendship kinda guy doesn’t mean he can’t get by on his own.

He’s strong, to be a black man in a predominately white Norway, you have to grow a thick skin. To leave no room for misunderstandings: Mahdi considers himself to be Norwegian true and true, born and raised here, it’s all he’s ever known. He’s proud to be Norwegian. He’s proud of this country. But he knows this country isn’t always proud of him. He knows the people here aren’t always friendly towards people who look like him. That’s their loss though, he’s learned to stand tall and disprove every stereotype ever thrown at him. He’s learned to lean on those who do stick up for and stick by him. Friendship is the backbone of his existence, it’s what, along with his family, keeps him going even when things are rough. 

With his boys though, he thinks as he’s standing in Isak’s kitchen and they’re all trying to psyche up Magnus so he can finally walk up to Vilde and get some, with his boys he’d known quickly. It had started with Jonas, they’d bonded over some good shit to smoke at a party during the summer. Then when Jonas had found out he was transferring to Nissen and was going to start the 2nd year as well he had promised to introduce him to his friends.

At first he’d met Magnus and he’d been convinced right away that this was a kid to keep close by. Dorky, weird but most of all really kind hearted. Mahdi was sold. He’d met Isak last, for different reasons mostly to do with family issues, if he was to believe Jonas. No wonder Mahdi eventually got a bit sick of the “seeing the family” excuse. Anyway. 

Gathering Isak up and placing him in the friendship box as well hadn’t been hard either even if it had taken a while longer. Probably because he was hiding so much. Mahdi was a good judge of character and a good reader of people and Isak had been holding so much of himself back for so long it had been hard for Mahdi to trust him 100%. It had happened with time though, and he was very happy that it had. 

Isak is laughing, eyes locked with another blonde boy who just joined them by the kitchen counter. Even, Isak’s boyfriend and a big part of why Isak was showing the world a lot more of his true self lately. Mahdi laughs too as Even advises Magnus to “take desperate to a whole new level.” Magnus takes it to heart and walks off to find his girl. 

Jonas and Mahdi look at each other quickly, eyes shining with amusement. “We gotta see that,” they both say, almost speaking at the same time before they hurry to follow Magnus. 

Mahdi shoots a quick look over his shoulder after they’ve spotted Magnus next to Vilde in front of the Christmas tree. Isak and Even are standing close together, kissing. Again. Mahdi rolls his eyes. Mostly he’s happy for his friend. 

He remembers how much it had hurt him when the rumors had started going around the school that he had gotten into a fight with Isak because he had a problem with his sexuality. This was of course before anyone actually knew that Isak was anything but straight, but even hypothetically Mahdi had been offended that a) someone would ever peg him for a homophobe and b) that anyone would ever think he’d judge a friend like that. It had of course been just another one in the line of stereotypes wrongly placed on him. Just because he was used to it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, didn’t mean he wouldn’t loudly protest every time so maybe people would eventually get the message that he was just a normal, Norwegian boy with darker skin than most but also with a better heart than most of the people who judged him according to their own prejudices. 

Friendship means acceptance, means always being there, means wanting the best for your friends. Means wanting your friends to be happy. Mahdi smiles as he sees Magnus finally succeed in kissing Vilde, he hears Jonas let out a big encouraging whoop from next to him. Yes, he’s chosen well this time, he thinks. These are his boys and they’re always going to be, through thick and thin he’s going to be there to catch them when they fall and pull them back up again. Just as true brothers do. They’ll do the same for him, he’s sure of it.

They get another year and a half together at Nissen before the future looms over their heads, like that time he’d been 10 and been told he was to travel to spend a summer with a terrifying uncle he’d never met in a country he’d never been. It hadn’t turned out that bad, the uncle had been less terrifying in person and the country beautiful. Regardless of how their lives may look two years from now, Mahdi is going to make the most of every day they get together here. Just being. In this moment. 

Right now, he’ll whisper to Jonas and they’ll head outside for a little while to smoke while loudly speculating about Magnus’ successful evening. Right now, the world isn’t more complicated than this, right now life is good.

# 7: Wake up, make up (EMMA) 

She sees the picture on Instagram. Because for some reason she still follows Isak there. It is when she sees the picture that she realizes she’s not heartbroken over him anymore. She sees the picture and all she can think is that he looks so happy. Genuinely, body and soul, achingly happy. It’s like a weight is lifted off her shoulders. In the picture two boys are smiling, one is kissing the other on the cheek. They’re outdoors in the biting December cold, their cheeks are rosey. Emma doesn’t think she’s ever seen Isak so relaxed and comfortable. 

Emma stopped being angry at him long before that moment. The anger faded faster than the hurt was willing to release her from its claws. So when he had approached her in the hallway the day before, in his own quirky way asking her to come to the Kosegruppa Christmas gathering, she’d been charmed. Almost disappointed to have to tell him she’d changed to the PR group and therefore had other plans. Isak didn’t mean to hurt her feelings the way he did. She was sure of that. Shit happens, life goes on. She knew that. That of course didn’t stop what he did to her from being remarkably shitty. She allowed herself to feel angry and hurt because honestly, the situation called for it. But she didn’t really know much. She barely even knew Isak. So it had to stop at some point. The anger just drained out of her like water out of a sink. 

The hurt let go of her when she finally acknowledged how happy he is. She’s heard all the rumors of course, about Even. She’s also gathered from the sparse information Sonja had given her that something was wrong with him. But. The thing is, she doesn’t know him. She doesn’t want to judge another person on hearsay. Yes, in a way he was a part of what hurt her when she’d been with Isak. But that wasn’t really his fault. No, he probably had enough guilt about what he did to Sonja. Cheating on her like that. He should anyway, feel guilty about it. Not that she really knew what their relationship had been like either. Point: Emma knows nothing, therefore she’s not going to judge. 

Emma just wants to go on with her life. Christmas is approaching and then the new year. She’s still only in her first year at Nissen and she’s not going to let one stormy, short lived relationship mess up her entire existence at the school. She doesn’t have to hang out with Isak or his friends, of course not. She’s a first year and he’s a second year. But it’s not like she can avoid them either. Nor does she want to. 

As she closes the Instagram app and puts her phone back in her pocket, she resolves to find Isak in school after the holidays and make sure he knows there’s no hard feelings on her part anymore. If Even happens to be around too then that’ll just be an added bonus, he should know she isn’t going to go around spreading rumors about either of them ever again.

# 8: I’m more or less a moral-less individual (Chris S) 

That moment in a song when the bass drops and the whole world explodes into a frenzy of color, sweat and euphoria. If he could he’d live in that moment and that moment alone. Not that the build up wasn’t nice, it was. As was the aftermath when you’re standing in a corner, sweaty, breathless, sipping a beer. 

Over all, Christoffer would say he’s a dude who enjoys life to the fullest. All the moments. All the people. He balances the fine line between being carefree and careless. He doesn’t really believe in anything except himself. And in living the best life possible. Morals? He’s not sure he has them. Sure, there are lines he’d never cross. At least intentionally. But sometimes things become an unintended blur. He tries not to think too much about that. Is he heartless? No. Of course he feels bad when he knows he’s hurt someone he just...chooses not to dwell on it long.

He doesn’t really pursue anything either. Not dreams, goals or girls. Opportunities tend to land on his lap, girls too for that matter. But then there was Eva. Of course she had to go and be the exception to the rule. Of course.

See, he usually stays away from hooking up with the same girl twice. Unless she’s his girlfriend and he’s had very few of those. It tends to not be worth the hassle, since he’s not going to be faithful anyway. After that whole drama with Iben he’d been a single Pringle ready and willing to mingle. But. He’d kept coming back to Eva. At first it had been anything but intentional. They’d gravitated towards each other at parties. Flirting is fun, making out is more fun, hooking up is peak level of fun. So it had happened once, twice. It started becoming intentional when they made the decision to take their hookup from a party to her house. It became even more intentional when he chose not to leave right away after they were done. It was definitely a conscious choice he made when he kept finding her even after he’d graduated. Sometimes not even primarily to hook up. It was weird, not like him, puzzling, but it was a choice. His choice.

The thing is, he realized he enjoyed her company. Something about her presence would soothe something in him he didn’t know needed soothing. Even just sitting across from her as she crinkled her forehead, trying to come to grips with some assignment, made him feel at peace. It reminded him of that moment before the bass drops. The anticipation. When she lifts her eyes from her text and meets his, the bass drops when she smiles. The madness ensues when she kisses him, when they have sex, then the aftermath just like the one after at really good song at a club. That’s how he’d describe it if he had to. Being with her was like the calm before, the chaos during and the satisfied aftermath of a really great song at a club.

Not being at Nissen anymore was a bit strange at first. He was used to being there after all, used to the attention, the way of life. He’s enrolled in a few courses at university now and it’s a different world. Almost no one knows who he is, or cares for that matter. He would never admit it out loud to anyone, but it can be quite nice. He has no reputation to live up to, he can focus on the academics which shock and behold - he actually enjoys. University parties, sure he attends them. A group of friends, sure he has one. Nothing close to the tight knit group from Nissen though. The Riot boys are still his closest friends. William in particular. Chris honestly hasn’t felt the need to bond that deeply with his university pals. Anyway, it’s not that strange for him to still attend Nissen related parties. It is however strange for him to turn up at a revue group’s Christmas gathering. Very strange indeed. Yet, here he is. 

This is probably the most crucial decision he’s ever made in regards to Eva. Choosing to come here. When she texted, his first instinct had been to decline right away. Kosegruppa? How lame. Yes, the Nissen revue is a big deal at the school but he’s not a student and even when he was he never got involved. Besides, there are revue groups that at least have some credibility. Kosegruppa is not one of them. But that’s where Eva is. That’s where she wants him to be. 

So he chose to come. Justifying it in his head, there’d surely be alcohol, he could surely leave whenever it got to be too lame for him. She was surprised to see him there, he could tell. Surprised but pleased. 

Now she’s sitting at a table with her friends, drinking wine and decorating Christmas ornaments. They’ve spoken briefly and decided that they need to talk more in-depth later. He really doesn’t want to. He can imagine where that conversation will go. That said, he agrees with her that it is a conversation they need to have. They have put it off for longer than he probably could have put it off with anyone else. Eva isn’t just anyone though, and therein lies his dilemma. 

He looks around the room, takes in the tree, all the smiling people, the Christmas music. He would never admit it to anyone out loud, but he likes this. It’s not a club, or a party. There’s no heavy bass music inspiring everyone to lose their minds on the dancefloor. But this is cosy, it’s nice, it’s comfortable. He still feels as if he’s about to hit the dancefloor, anticipation thrumming in his veins. The Eva effect. 

Suddenly William is there and Chris is taken aback by having his best friend who he hasn’t seen in months just an arm’s length away. They embrace and William whispers in his ear “I tried calling you to see if you could pick me up at the airport.” 

Chris pulls back slightly, picks up his phone and sees missed calls and a few unread texts. “Oops,” he says. 

William laughs. “I guess you were busy, but I gotta say I wasn’t expecting you to be busy here. I didn’t think you were this fond of Christmas,” he teases. 

“I’m not really here for the Christmas spirit,” Chris admits. 

William smiles knowingly and throws a quick glance towards Eva who is standing somewhere behind them. “I see,” he says. “Good luck with that.” 

Chris rolls his eyes. “You too,” he says, eyeing Noora meaningfully as she’s talking to Eskild and Linn in the kitchen. 

“Touché,” William laughs. “We’re working it out,” he then adds. “I’m sure you could too, if that’s what you want.” Chris shrugs. “Christoffer.” William suddenly sounds serious. “There’s no shame in wanting that, honestly.” 

Now’s as good of a time as ever to talk, that’s what he’d told her. Now they’re walking side by side as the snow has started to fall around them. Normally if they’d left a party to go back to hers they’d walk hurriedly, fast, anxious to get there. Anticipation thrumming their veins. Now, they’re walking leisurely. He considers taking her hand in his but then he kinda wants to smack himself in the face because who is he and what has happened with his normal self who’d roll his eyes so fast at any hand holding couple. There’s still an anticipation between them, it’s just less intense and sexually charged. He is also dreading the upcoming conversation, and looking over at her, he gets the sense she is too. Yet they both know it needs to happen. He exhales slowly and lets his breath color the air in front of them.

“So…” she starts. They’re sitting on her bed. Maybe not the best place for them to be if they want to have an actual conversation, but for once he’s not thinking about how to get her clothes off as fast as possible. 

“So,” he says. “This isn’t awkward at all.” 

She giggles, and quickly covers her mouth with her hand. “Not at all,” she agrees. “Gaaah,” she exclaims a minute later after they’ve not been able to do more than alternating between staring at each other and the floor. “Why is this so difficult?” 

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I think...maybe we’re just too worried about coming across wrong with what we want to say and so we end up unable to say anything at all.” 

She looks at him, a curious expression on her face, pondering his words. She nods. “That makes sense actually hmm...what if, what if we just don’t look at each other while we talk? We could sit back to back.” She moves around so that her back is facing him. He shuffles around too until his back is pressed up against hers. 

“Hmm,” he says. “Ok this could work.” He feels her back muscles moving as she laughs nervously.

“Why did you come to the Kosa Christmas party?” she starts out by asking. 

He exhales. “Because you asked me to come.” 

“Why do you care about what I want?” 

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, stalling, he knows what he should say but he also know what the truth is and what he actually wants to say. See, here is where he could opt out. But if he wanted to opt out he could have long ago. So what he should and what he wants, not the same. However William could be right, maybe what he should do and what he wants don’t need to be so far apart. Maybe there’s no shame in admitting to some truths. “Because I care about you.”

Because of course he does. That is the logical explanation for everything he’s been doing lately, everything he’s been thinking about, everything he’s been feeling. Chris cares about her. In a way he’s not used to, in a way he never expected to be able to care about a girl. Girls are usually means to an end for him. But with Eva he’s not even sure what that end is, he only know he’d rather not find the ending any time soon. No way could he explain that to her though, not right now. 

“I care about you too,” she replies and he swears his heart skips a beat. As lame as that sounds. He has to fight of the urge to turn around and kiss her. They’re not done yet.

“Before we sat down,” he says. “I thought I was going to tell you we should stop hooking up.”

“We’re not just hooking up,” she says matter-of-fact. 

“I know,” he admits. “I was going to suggest we stop all of it. But.” 

“But?” she asks. 

“But that’s not what I want,” he concludes. “Eva, I don’t really know what this is,” he means the two of them. “But I know I don’t want it to stop.” 

“Me neither,” she says. “I’m just a bit hesitant,” she adds. “My track record with relationships isn’t great.” 

He can’t stop the incredulous laughter that escapes him at that. “Your track record? Mine is so shit it’s not even funny.” 

She laughs too. “I know, I’m just saying I’m not much better. Also, did you just admit to this being a relationship?” 

He frowns, but knows she can’t see his face. “I mean, yeah, we’ve been kinda dating haven’t we? It’s some kinda relationship.” 

“Some kinda relationship,” she agrees. “I haven’t hooked up with anyone else in a long time,” she almost whispers as if ashamed. He thinks back to the months that have piled up behind them. 

“Huh,” he says, almost shocked. “I don’t think I have either.”

At that she turns around, staring wildly at him. “ Really? Are you for real right now?” 

“I know” he says, “I’m surprised too.” They stare at each other for one long minute then suddenly they start laughing hysterically. Once the laughter subsides, they find themselves lying down on her bed, holding onto each other tight. 

“So we’re doing this,” she says more a statement than a question. 

“We might as well try,” he replies before finally giving into the fire in his veins and kissing her. 

The bass drops and the world explodes in color, sweat and euphoria.


	3. I prayed for newborn skies to lift me up so high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! This time you get to read the POV of Magnus, Linn, Sonja and Vilde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, massive thanks to all of you who've take the time to give kudos or leave a comment. It means so much to me.
> 
> Now I need some opinions! After this there are 4 parts left: Eskild, Sana, Isak and Even. Would you prefer that I split them up into 2 chapters? (Sana + Eskild in one and Isak + Even in the next) Or should I do 1 chapter with 4 parts as I have done up until now? Isak's and Even's parts are going to be pretty long... :P

#  9: Can you feel the crave? (MAGNUS) 

Awkward, desperate, always a bit too eager. He realises that’s how he comes across. It’s just not that easy to change that part of his personality. When he feels something he feels it thoroughly, when he goes for something there’s no holding back, he goes balls to walls all in all at once. That goes for most things in his life. Not just this. 

This being his virginity. Anyway, he’s frustrated. No shock there. But. It’s not even like he just wants to fuck for the sake of fucking. Or. Okay maybe it is a little bit like that. At least that’s what his hormones tell him. He would gladly hook up with a random chick at a party and just be done with it. He’s tried to do that on several occasions. It’s never really worked out for him though. As if they’ve been able to smell the desperation on him. Either way, the situation he’s in now, he’s started to care not just about getting the fucking out of the way, but about her.

It started earlier in the semester, she’d show up somewhere, usually to speak to Isak and Magnus had noticed how pretty she was. The boys had been real solid on his birthday and he’d come so close to finally hooking up and not just with some random girl but with her. Damn it. He honestly couldn’t remember what the problem had been that time. He’d probably been a bit too drunk, you know, given that he couldn’t remember the details afterwards. Ever since Magnus had looked for ways to get close to her again, hoped to see her at parties, kept an eye out for her in the school hallways. 

So yeah. It’s not that Magnus hadn’t been just as outraged as Jonas and Mahdi when Isak dismissed the dance chicks invitation in favor of the Kosegruppa party. But at the same time he’d also secretly looked forward to another opportunity to talk to Vilde. Ok so maybe it wasn’t as big of a secret as he’d liked to believe. He did after all wear his emotions all over his face all the time. That was usually not an advantage, but this time he didn’t even have to say anything to the boys, they just seemed to know what his aim with the night was. That was really cool. He could use all the help he could get if he wanted to avoid his usually mistakes of appearing to keen, too awkward, too desperate.

“Do you like, have feelings for her?” Isak asks. They’re standing in his kitchen. The boys are trying to help Magnus get psyched up enough to go talk to Vilde. Magnus is pulling on the sleeves of the Christmas sweater he’d chosen to wear. It’s too big. The boys have assured him it looks good though. 

“Yeah, kinda, I think so,” he responds. The boys smile wide. Encouragements keep coming at him. It makes him feel good, that they seem to want this for him almost (only almost) as bad as he wants it for himself. 

“Just don’t act too desperate,” they say. Magnus nods. Solid advice. But...that brings upon another issue.

“How do I avoid acting too desperate if I don’t know what it is that I do that come across as desperate?”

They keep going back and forth. Think of someone cool. Ok. He could maybe do that. Act a bit more like James Bond. Hmm. Maybe. Suddenly Even is there too. The older boy had gone out to take a phone call a while earlier. Isak lights up when he comes into the kitchen to join them. They fill him in on the latest, what they’re trying to help Magnus accomplish. Even just grins. 

“You know what Magnus,” he says and Magnus focuses all his attention on the taller boy. “I think you should just be yourself, take desperate to the next level.”

The boys laugh but also indicate that they agree. Magnus nods, yeah, of course. Of course that’s what he’s gonna do. Of course Even was going to have the best advice.

Magnus really likes Even. For several reasons, the most important being that he clearly makes Isak happy and Isak is one of Magnus’ best friends so of course he wants him happy. That said, Even doesn’t always make Isak happy. He’s been the reason for some of his heartbreak and sadness too. But Magnus thinks that makes sense, he does not think it’s realistic to expect one person to ever be able to make another person fully happy 100% of the time. Also, Magnus thinks Even is really cool. He has great hair, he’s a third year and he has a level of confidence that Magnus can only strive to one day reach. Also, just like Magnus’ mother, Even is bipolar.

That’s not something Magnus had known previously. Of course not. It’s not like mental illness has a certain look about it, not like just because you know one you’re immediately going to recognise another. Yet he wasn’t shocked when Isak told him about it that time in school during lunch. Everybody has a burden to carry, he learned that early on. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Magnus could tell Isak was crushed but he really tried to convey to his friend that this honestly wasn’t the end of the world. His mother is awesome. Yeah, she is depressed sometimes and she gets manic sometimes and does wild things. Magnus is used to it. She manages her illness well, never lets it rule her or impact her ability to love her family. His parents are happily married going on twenty years so Magnus knows it can be done. Living with someone who is bipolar, loving someone with the illness. It is as easy as breathing for him. Magnus almost thought he could see Isak releasing some of the tension and worry he’d come into school carrying as Magnus spoke about his mother. That made him feel good. 

Did he know Isak and Even would work things out? Of course not. But they had. At least for now. Honestly he thinks Isak has the right mindset and approach , to just take it day by day. Minute by minute. Even is still young, still fairly new to his diagnosis (at least that’s what he’s gathered from the few things Isak has shared). There’s a whole life ahead of him to learn more on how to manage it better, how to live with it. Magnus is an optimist. Even when his mom has been at her lowest, she’s always come out of it on the other side. So yeah, Magnus believes in happy endings. Happily ever afters? Maybe. Maybe not. But there’s happiness for everyone out here in the world, he’s sure of it. Now he’s gonna go get some for himself.

Vilde is hanging an ornament on the Christmas tree. He notices that it’s a cat. She smiles at him when he joins her in front of the glowing Christmas lights and the infinite number of weird ornaments that their friends have managed to produce during this party. 

“Do you like cats?” he asks, for lack of better things to use as an ice-breaker. She lights up, affirms that yes she likes cats a lot. “Me too,” Magnus admits cheerfully.

She lets out a noise that he can’t place at first. Then he realizes it’s a meow. She’s actually making a cat noise at him. He’s delighted. “What was that? Do that again!” he exclaims.

Vilde blushes, her eyes never leaving his, then she does it again. Lets out a soft meow, holding back a giggle as she does it. Magnus can’t hold it in anymore.

“I’ve never gotten to fuck anyone,” he hurriedly gets out. “And I really want to fuck.”

“You can fuck me,” she says, as if that’s a given, as if that’s what she’s always wanted.

“I’m gonna kiss you now,” Magnus declares before reaching over and doing just that.

_Flash forward_

Making out is the best. It seriously is. Making out with an awesome girl who can crack jokes and make cat noises and is just probably the most beautiful girl in the world, well that’s even better. Magnus never wants to stop. There’s no privacy here so as much as they both would like to tear each other’s clothes off they just can’t. 

“Bathroom?” she suggests at one point. He nods and they try to make it there they really do. Somewhere in the background noise they hear the doorbell ring.

_Flash forward_

The party is coming to an end. Magnus has spent the majority of the night with his lips locked on Vilde’s. His hand in her hand, or in her hair, or on her ass. They never made it to the bathroom. Noora’s ex showed up and things got a little crazy for a while. Damn it. He still really wants to fuck. He wants to, no needs to fuck her. He knows she can tell how horny he is. She’s whispered in his ear, to tell him she’s just as desperate for it. Somehow that hasn’t made it any easier for him to endure. Yet he has to face the facts, there’s no way they’ll be able to do it here tonight.

“Are your parents home?” he asks her as more and more people start clearing out. Vilde just promised Isak and Eskild that she’d stop by in the morning to help clean up. She sighs deeply and looks at him with frustration clear in her entire posture.

“Yeah. I’m so sorry but we can’t go there tonight. How about yours?”

“Same,” Magnus groans. “I can’t believe this.” 

Vilde bites her lip, pondering something. God, he wants to kiss her again. 

“My parents won’t be home tomorrow,” she says eventually. “Once a month they do date night and this time they’ve said they won’t be home ‘til Sunday afternoon. “

Magnus lights up at that. 

“So you’re inviting me over tomorrow?”

“If you want to come,” she suddenly looks a bit shy. He squeezes her hand.

“Of course I want to come, I can’t wait,” he smiles and leans over to kiss her again.

“Alright kids!” they’re interrupted by Eskild, suddenly standing in front of them. “Time to leave, party’s over.” 

Magnus looks around, aside from Eskild there’s only him, Vilde, Isak and Even left. Even and Isak look as if they were also just interrupted while making out. Magnus meets Isak’s eyes and Isak’s eyebrows rise suggestively. Magnus gives him a huge thumbs up.

# 10: I prayed for newborn skies to lift me up so high (LINN) 

Tired. Always tired. Bed. Sleep. Sweatpants. Friends. Smiling. Smile. Hugs. Push them away. Pull them closer. Darkness. Tired. Mission. Help. Friends shouldn’t feel bad. Friends should be happy. Friends should have energy. Help. Help make friends happy. Smile. Play video games. Turn your frown upside down. Frown. Tired. Bed again. Stinky. Get Eskild to help you remember to change the sheets.Tired. Shower but not too often. Avoid phone calls like the plague. Group chat with friends. Read. Group chat. Reply. Sometimes make jokes in group chat. Maybe. Sometimes energy. Mostly tired. Laughter. There’s laughter. Friends happy. Friends feeling better. Smile. Actual smile. Christmas party. Why. Tired. But. Friends happy. Friends smiling. Smile. Genuine smile. Nice mood. Cosy. Christmas spirit. Maybe. Maybe happy. A little bit. Tonight. Happy. Smile. Energy. Not too tired to smile. To put weird ornaments on tree. To talk to friends. Hug Noora. Not push Eskild off as he offers hug. Smile at Isak. Friend happy now. For now. Lock eyes with Even. Kinship. Even smile. Linn smile too. Not too tired tonight. Smile.

That’s pretty much what the inside of Linn’s brain looks like. At least that’s what she thinks it looks like, if she ever thinks about it. She tries not to do that much. Think, that is. It’s too exhausting. That doesn’t mean she’s heartless or cold or even thoughtless. It’s just her thoughts and her feelings are too loud sometimes. Easier to just shut them off. 

She cares however. She cares about her friends. She enjoys their company, and she knows they don’t judge her when she needs to withdraw from their company. She knows they won’t take offense. It’s great. Just like this evening is pretty great. Standing next to Eskild, hanging weird condom ornaments on the tree. Watching Noora, less weighed down by William’s absence then she’s been in weeks yet also always on alert always wishing for him to enter the door. She can see that Noora’s stopped believing he’ll ever come back for her. Linn is impressed by her strength, that she’s not weighed down by that fear, that she’s still able to be happy and have fun with her friends.

She’s watching Isak, finally at ease, finally happy. Watching Even, knowing some of his pain, some of his struggle, knowing it deep in her bones. Knowing it as someone who also lives it. Not all of it, but parts. Eskild was right that she’s never been manic. She’s been depressed though, she is. She is depressed. But even so, she can have nights like tonight. Nights that are less exhausting, nights when smiling doesn’t feel like a chore. 

Later that evening she startles everyone, no one more than herself, when she lets out a hearty belly deep laugh as she takes in the scene in front of her once more. 

William who has suddenly arrived and gone against all expectations, has Noora pushed up against a wall kissing her. Noora’s friend Vilde is making out with Isak’s friend Magnus in a corner while Noora’s friend Eva is eyeing an older kid whose name Linn can’t remember, and Even has Isak pushed up against the kitchen counter also kissing as if their lives depended on it. Eskild just exclaims: “Why am I surrounded by horny teenagers?” 

And Linn laughs. 

Eskild stares at her, amused. 

“Eskild,” she says, still laughing. “You might not be a teenager anymore, but you’re still the horniest of them all. You’re just jealous that you have no one to share all that sexual energy with.” 

Eskild smiles, punches her lightly in the shoulder. “You might be onto something there girl…” he winks.

The night goes on.

# 11: Soulmates become soul-less (SONJA) 

First love is special. It’s tender, fragile. First love always seems like it’s going to last forever. Hers lasted four years. That’s a long time. A lot of growing up happens between a 15th birthday and a 19th. A lot changes. It’s easy to get comfortable, to get stuck. It was never comfortable with Even, but Sonja was still too scared to leave their first love behind.

Honestly, scared and worried was second nature to her in recent years. The anxiety of knowing the person you loved the most often times didn’t love themselves very much, could be crippling. When they’d first met Even wasn’t ill. Or at least, he was yet to be diagnosed. He was this bright, bright eyed boy that just seemed to radiate life and joy. She’d entered his universe the minute their eyes had met at a meeting at Elvebakken, a meeting kids were supposed to attend if they were to start school there the following year. Once she was a part of his universe she never wanted to leave.

Things were great. She noticed mood swings in him but never thought much of it. By Christmas their first year it was clear highschool life agreed with both of them. They had a large social circle, they did well in class but most importantly they had each other. 

Then things went from great to fine. She barely noticed the change. Their second year moved along, things seemed to be the same way they had been the year before. Only Even was quieter. His mood swings even more irregular. Sonja didn’t know how to talk to him about it so she didn’t. They still spent a lot of time together but they had their own friends too and she soon realised he wasn’t great to hang out with at parties. Alcohol would either make him extremely horny or he’d become a sad drunk. Weed wasn’t much better, he’d go way high or way low. She honestly didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to be there for it, expected to take care of her messy boyfriend. Looking back, the cracks in their relationship probably dated back to that 2nd year.

All hell broke loose early on in their third year. Things went from fine to horrible way too fast. Even was so excited, so happy, so full of life for the first month of the semester and Sonja got swept away by it as she always did. Then at a party everything fell apart. Even got into a physical altercation with one of their friends and rushed out. Sonja didn’t follow him, a bit drunk, a bit mad at him, very confused. The following morning they all woke up to Even’s meltdown splashed all over social media where he’d spammed several of their friends and other people at school, spread information his friends had confided in him that was meant to be kept private and so on. Needless to say he’d been busy after he left the party. That wasn’t the scariest part though. After he’d done all that he’d lost it even more and somehow decided the only way to fix things with Sonja was to buy her all the flowers in Oslo. So he had gone out at 4am, only wearing his boxers, to look for flower shops. He did find one. It of course wasn’t open. Then he’d thrown rocks at the window.

It was bad. Sonja wasn’t given much time to come to grips with just how bad. Even at the police station. Even at the hospital. Even’s parents speaking to her in hushed voices. Words like bipolar, manic episode, depressive state were being thrown around. In his bed at the hospital, sat a boy she could barely recognize. As if drained of life, drained of joy, drained of everything that had ever made him light up as bright as the sun. She sat down next to him, took his hand and decided they’d get through this together.

She finished their third year by herself. Even was still getting evaluated, they put him on different medications to see which one was best for him. Some days he was almost normal. Other days he was too high and she could tell, those days scared her. But the worst days were when he was too low. Once she woke up as if from a nightmare, her heart pounding in her chest only to find a text from Even’s mother saying they were at the hospital. Even had tried to end his own life. Waking from a nightmare only to enter another.

The fact that she managed to graduate was nothing but a small miracle. Busy worrying, busy taking care of, busy being there for and being with Even. Even when she could tell he couldn’t care less if she was present or not. She studied, learned everything she could about his illness so she could care for him the way a good girlfriend should. It was hard at school. Even had left massive fires in his wake that she’d been forced to extinguish. Her reputation was shot, but she still managed to keep a few friends. Enough to get her through the rest of the school year with grades good enough to graduate and finally be free.

Only, she wasn’t free. Even was doing better. Finally. Their relationship had settled somewhere just under fine again. He would get upset when he noticed her monitoring him, advising him on how to handle his illness. But she just couldn’t help herself. She was terrified. They probably should have ended their relationship long ago but she was too scared to do it . He was scared of that too, she could tell even though the subject of them splitting was never brought up for discussion. He was comfortable, she could tell. She knew him better than anyone, he didn’t need to explain himself to her. She’d seen his best and his worst. She wasn’t so sure he knew her anymore though, she wasn’t sure he’d truly known her in a long time.

Even went back to school. A different school, Hartvig Nissen. Sonja started working at a call center, selling phone plans to unsuspecting old ladies. Then things fell apart again, or maybe they finally came together.

She sighs, as she enters the apartment she shares with two friends. It’s been a long day at work, but it’s been good, she’s sold a lot. This honestly isn’t the career she’d pick for herself. But for now it’s good enough. Until she figures out what she wants. She’s thinking of applying to university so that she can start after the summer. But it’s almost Christmas now and she’s still not sure what courses to apply to. However, she feels hopeful that she’ll figure it out. She doesn’t need to be stuck anymore.

As she’s waiting for her pasta to start boiling she scrolls through Instagram, she notices that Emma (a young girl from Nissen that she befriended a couple of months earlier after meeting her at a party she’d attended with Even) has liked one of Isak’s pictures. Sonja isn’t following Isak. Yet. She clicks the picture, it’s Isak and Even, outdoors, rosey cheeks, smiling. Even kissing Isak’s cheek. She clicks the heart, then heads to his profile and clicks follow. Sonja doesn’t hold grudges. 

At first she’d been jealous of Isak. Not because Even had cheated on her with him even though that was a shitty thing to do. No she’d been jealous because he got Even’s good sides. He got the honeymoon period, the one she and Even hadn’t been in for years. Even asked for a break and she gave him what he wanted. Only to have him come back to her not long after, hurt. Then she got angry at Isak. How dare he. Even never really explained why things hadn’t worked out with Isak and it was clear Sonja and his relationship with her wasn’t working either but they kept moving in the same sluggish pace they had been for years. Neither one of them breaking the status quo.

Eventually he did. He broke it. Smashed it into pieces. “I want Isak,” he’d said. “And he wants to me. I need to try. I care about him so much Sonja, it’s almost scary.” They broke up. She was still a mix of jealous of and angry at Isak. Being broken up meant she didn’t have as much insight into Even’s life. But she could tell he was starting to spiral. And she was pretty sure Isak knew nothing of it.

She considered telling him. For a while she considered it without doing it. Eventually she asked Emma for Isak’s phone number. She tried contacting him, she really did. As mixed as her emotions were for the kid, he should know. It was his job now to keep Even safe, to guard him from himself. But the one time she managed to get him on the phone Even was there, voice cold, cutting her off. Oh well. Isak would have to learn the hard way.

Waking to her phone ringing at an ungodly hour would always make her heart want to jump out of her chest. Hearing Isak on the other end didn’t help matters. He was crushed, confused and scared out of his mind. She hurried to get her clothes on and as soon as they hung up she called Even’s parents. Panic, worry, anxiety all raging through her body once more.

The pasta is ready, she’s poured herself a glass of red wine to go with it. Her room mates won’t be home until much later. She’s enjoying the peace and quiet. It hadn’t been fair, she thinks as she takes another bite of her dinner. It hadn’t been fair what she’d said to Isak once she’d met up with him after assuring herself of the fact that Even had been found and was safe. But she’d been so scared. And all of the mixed emotions she’d had for the boy had just come crashing out of her mouth. The way his face had fallen still haunted her. 

It is ok now. She apologised to him and she appreciates that he seems keen on learning as much as possible about Even’s condition. He sends her texts sometimes, asking for guidance. She’s not opposed to helping him. She remembers all too well what it was like in the beginning, navigating the stormy waters of having a bipolar boyfriend. She’s not jealous anymore. That Instagram picture only made her smile, they seem happy. 

Unfortunately she hasn’t gotten a chance to speak to Even yet. She knows she needs to, knows they need to hash out a few things. She needs to apologise for her wrong doings but he also needs to apologise for his. She’ll get to it. At least earlier she’d texted Isak, wishing both of them a Merry Christmas and she’d gotten a positive response. That is good. That is progress. She isn’t stuck anymore. 

First love rarely means last love, and that’s more than okay. 

# 12: I'll be better, I'll be stronger (VILDE) 

Looking around the room, slightly anxiously, Vilde has to admit that things have come together nicely. It is the evening of the Kosegruppa Christmas gathering that she’s arranged. The tree that she bought and had Isak collect is standing proudly by a wall. The music is a perfect mix of traditional and new Christmas songs. Most importantly, there are people smiling and enjoying themselves in every corner of the room. Happily sipping on an alcoholic beverage of their choice, chit-chatting with friends, decorating Christmas ornaments. Even Isak’s roommates seem to be enjoying themselves. Vilde smiles as she meets Isak’s eye across the room, mentally reminding herself to thank him profusely later on for allowing her to throw this party here. Then she turns her attention back to the conversation going on at her table where Chris is lamenting her disappointing grades.

_Flash forward_

A hot, wet mouth against hers. A pounding in her ears. Finally. She’s been interested in this for a while now. Trying to make it happen. She thought he had seemed interested too, as if maybe he too was trying to make it happen. Now that’s confirmed. She’s really happy. Having a boy actually truly interested in her makes her blood run hot and she just wants. There’s no privacy. She breaks away from Magnus’ lips long enough to suggest the bathroom. But before they make it there they’re interrupted by a lot of commotion by the door. Suddenly William is there and even though she keeps clinging to Magnus, desire still racing with the wine in her blood, her first priority is making sure Noora is ok. 

She realises maybe that’s not what everyone assumes her first priority is. Before returning to the girls at the table she makes sure to kiss Magnus good and proper, whispering in his ear that she’ll find him again as soon as she can get away from best friend duties. She can’t have him thinking she’s not over William because she is, she really is.

It is no secret that Vilde had pined over William Magnusson for most of her first year at Hartvig Nissen. He’d been the one she’d lost her virginity to and he’d been the first boy to ever truly break her heart. He’d also been the one Noora chose to sneak around with behind her back, worried about telling Vilde the truth. All that was water under the bridge. Yes, he’d hurt her. His words still came back to haunt her at times even though he’d apologised and said he hadn’t actually meant it. Vilde isn’t blind, she knows she isn’t thin or model gorgeous. Mostly she puts it out of her mind. Mostly she puts him out of her mind. When Noora came back from London heartbroken she’d been angry at him again, but this time for her friend’s sake. Now here Noora is, saying she’s forgiven him, saying they’ll try again. Vilde isn’t sure what to think.

_Flash forward_

She closes to door to her house, tip-toeing through the hallway. Magnus walked her home from the party. They’d kissed on her porch for a long time, neither really wanting to stop, ever. Vilde can hear her father’s snore as she soundlessly walks past her parents bedroom on her way to the her own. She hadn’t been lying when she’d told Magnus he couldn’t come in tonight. Her parents were strict in the sense that they cared about appearances. She could do anything really, as long as they didn’t need to hear or see or know about it. As long as it didn’t do anything to tarnish the outward appearance that this was a happy, well adjusted, upper middle-class family. Obviously there were cracks in the facade if you knew where to look.

Her mother had a problem with alcohol and her father worked too much. Yet neither ever let that affect their appearance. They even pretended in front of her, as much as they could. If you find your mother on the bathroom floor, passed out drunk, when you’re ten years old there’s only so much pretending you can do to salvage that. Anyway. They’d be gone tomorrow, she hadn’t lied about that either. Their monthly “date-night” which included checking into a hotel. Only, they always used separate rooms. Her mom knocking herself out with the aide of the mini bar and her dad using his room to see the girlfriend he thinks Vilde doesn’t know about. Vilde knows more than they think. They haven’t raised a dumb blonde, as much as she can play that up at times. She knows how to act to get them to think she’s not seeing through them. Her family, a whole bunch of actors. It gets exhausting sometimes. 

_Flash forward_

The next morning she wakes up earlier than she’d like. A head ache making her cringe as she gets up and stumbles into the bathroom to find some painkillers. Pulling on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a cardigan she heads downstairs to the kitchen. There she finds her father cooking scrambled eggs and bacon while her mother absentmindedly sips her coffee at the kitchen table.

“Good morning sunshine,” her father greets her, voice bright and cheerful, fake. “Sleep well?”

Vilde nods, opens the fridge and pulls out her low-fat yogurt before reaching into the cupboard above for her no-sugar-added granola. 

“You don’t want some of this?” Her father gestures to the eggs and bacon frying in the pan. She shakes her head, finds a bowl and a spoon and sits down opposite of her mother. 

“Did you get in late?” her mother eventually asks, slowly raising her head a bit to meet Vilde’s eyes.

“Not too late,” Vilde says. “But I’m heading back over to Isak’s as soon as I’ve eaten to help clean up.” Her mother nods, lethargically. 

“We’ll probably be out of here by the time you get back,” her father says. Vilde nods, showing she’s heard him.

A little while later she’s knocking on the door at Kollektivet. It’s just after 1pm so she’s not worried they’re all still going to be asleep. As far as she could tell no one got proper wasted last night either. Eskild opens the door.

“Good morning, Vilde. Nice to see you, you’re here to take away the tree aren’t you?” Eskild sounds a bit sad at the prospect of losing the tree as he leads her in. The door to Linn’s room is closed, but it usually is. Noora’s bed in Eskild’s room looks like it hasn’t been slept in and she raises an eyebrow at that.

“Yeah,” he says. “She’s not gotten back from William’s yet,” he lets out a low whistle. “But Isak and Even are up and they’ve started cleaning, good boys, am I right?” he winks at her.

She spots them then. Even collecting bottles and beer cans and putting them in a black trash bag, while Isak is scrubbing the floors. The tree still looks majestic in it’s spot by the wall. She looks at Eskild, smiles.

“I’m not taking the tree, you can keep it.”

_Flash forward_

Vilde is nervous. So very nervous. 

Earlier today she’d been at Isak’s, helping them clean. Eskild had been very happy when she’d told him they could keep the tree. Then he’d been forced to run out, he was meeting up with some classmates from university to work on an assignment apparently. It was fine since there honestly wasn’t a lot to clean up. The party had been fairly civilised. 

As they cleaned, Vilde had gotten to know Isak’s boyfriend a bit better. She could tell Isak had been wary at first, when she’d started small talking with the other boy. So she’d been quick to apologise to both of them for any part she played in spreading or at least not stopping the rumors about Even that had gone around the school. Isak relaxed and they talked more comfortably and enjoyed themselves a lot more after that. 

She could see hickeys coloring both Even and Isak’s necks and when she remarked on it they blushed but she could also see a smug smirk on both their faces. They’d started teasing her about Magnus after that. Isak said he knew she’d invited him over later that day. She admitted to being nervous and Isak’s tone softened, telling her not to worry, that Magnus probably was just as nervous. Even asked her if this was going to be her first time. She laughed a little, admonishing him for asking such a rude question before admitting that no, it wouldn’t be. 

It wouldn’t be her first time. Yet she’s almost more nervous now than she’d been then. She’s changed clothes at least four times already. She’s currently wearing a deep blue dress with a skirt that reaches her knees. It’s comfortable, yet cute. She feels okay in it. She’s texted Eva at least ten times and Noora probably double that. Both of them have actually responded and been very patient with her. She knows they are both with their boys, both Chris and William actually chiming in at times with advice in the texts Vilde has received from her girls. That. Well, that felt okay. William knowing she had a hot date made her feel a bit strange, but he’d come through with some solid advice. 

“William says you should just relax,” Noora had texted just thirty minutes prior. “And no, I know what you're thinking, don’t drink. And yes, you look lovely.” She’d sent a picture of every outfit as she’d changed. Ok. Lovely, that’ll have to do. She pinches the fat she knows is on the side of her stomach just below her waist. She’s not eaten today apart from the granola earlier. She just can’t.

Vilde has tried to be better. She really has. She eats normally at school, and at home if her parents are there when she eats. She chooses healthier options, but she eats. She makes sure to get a work-out of some kind in every day, but she’s honestly not seeing much of a difference in her body. Still a bit too fat, still not pretty enough, still wrong in all the usual ways. She usually doesn't let it get to her this much though, has gotten good at pushing it away. But right now, as the clock creeps up towards 6pm and she knows Magnus is on his way, she’s so nervous. She can’t believe she’s going to let someone see her naked again. She hopes he won’t be disgusted.

_Flash forward_

He wasn’t disgusted. They’re cuddled up on the couch, under some blankets. They’re still naked and his hands keep finding places to touch he hasn’t touched yet. The sex had been great, honestly so good. Yeah, he’d come quickly. No shock there, since it was his first time. But he’d not stopped, he’d been very enthusiastic about getting her off. Then he’d been good to go again. She’s lost count of the amount of orgasms they’ve traded. His hands and his mouth keep worshipping her body. She never knew how much her body needed that. The awestruck look on his face, the softness of his hands, the wetness of his mouth. 

They’ve put on a movie on Netflix and aside from his warm hand on her breast, they’re not actually doing anything sexual right now. It’s just comfortable, his mouth on her neck close to her ear. She feels at ease, the anxiety that’s usually coursing through her veins seem to have taken a long awaited leave of absence. 

The doorbell rings. Magnus gets up, pulls on his boxers and a t-shirt before hurrying over to the door.

He returns with a big box of pizza. 

“Dinner is served my lady,” he bows and grins at her. Vilde smiles back, content, happy.

As she lets him feed her a slice, she’s not thinking about counting calories or how long she needs to run tomorrow or the fat on the side of her stomach. She only sees his smile, feels his hands on her, tastes the delicious melted cheese on her tongue. 

She never realised how hungry she was for this. For all of this.


	4. The world is yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we get to know more about Eskild's backstory, we get Sana's take on the Kosegruppa party and then we finally get to see what's going on in Even's head followed by Isak's POV as he takes us with him to meet Even's mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the final chapter. This is a long one. Mostly because none of the characters wanted to shut up haha.  
> Even's and Isak's parts are particularly long so hopefully I have some Evak lovers reading this :D 
> 
> Can you believe the story is over? I hope you've all liked it, it's been a lot of fun to write it. Hopefully the ending won't disappoint!  
> Again, massive thanks to junkshopdisco for correcting all of my mistakes and refining the story <3

# 13: The world is yours (ESKILD)

The world can be a sad, heavy place. Where walking around just breathing can sometimes feel like a chore. That’s why Eskild prefers to keep things light. To make jokes, to enjoy his days in whichever way he finds the most appealing at any given time. It works for him. That said, keeping things light doesn’t mean he can’t handle heavy. Doesn’t mean he hasn’t walked around with clouds above his head and raging oceans deep within his heart. Of course not. But at least for him, happiness is a choice. He does his best to choose it every day, even if he can sometimes only find it in the smallest of things. It’s not that he dismisses people with mental health issues, people who literally can not choose happiness despite wanting nothing else. Of course not. But for most other people, happiness is achievable even in the most shitty of circumstances. Eskild knows all about shitty circumstances.

Growing up queer is growing up different. It’s being bullied for always wanting to play with the girls at recess, for having a feminine voice even after puberty. But it’s also growing up strong. Growing a thick skin, growing a smile that could kill a lesser man. It’s learning to stand up for yourself against family, against friends, against people who think they can use you and throw you away, against society even if need be. It’s learning your likes and dislikes, it’s trying and trying and trying until maybe you finally get it right. It’s getting your heart broken time and time again but still never stopping, never giving up. Always putting the smile back on, putting the clothes back on, moving on. 

When Eskild had first met Isak, drunk out of his mind outside of that gay bar less than a year earlier, his heart had broken for the younger boy. He recognised him, he knew him as that kid Noora and her friend Eva had speculated might be gay. The one he’d Instagram stalked a bit before dropping the idea. Well, the girls might not have been too far off. When he’d heard the boy’s story (or as much of it as he’d been able to share in his incoherent state) it had been an easy decision for Eskild to bring Isak home with him. Isak’s parents certainly weren’t there for him so someone had to be. It was less than ideal at first, having Isak living in the basement, hiding that he was staying there. Noora leaving for London in the summer was a blessing in disguise since Isak could then move into her room.

It wasn’t that Eskild didn’t miss her, he did, tremendously. He’d taken her in as well, taken her under his wings when she’d needed it. Her parents weren’t there for her either. Eskild didn’t just have roommates because he lived somewhere too big for one person or he needed help with rent. No, Eskild collected strays. He took in the kids that needed it the most because he knew what that was like. He was only a couple years older than them after all, and a university student. But knew very well what it was like to be an outcast in high school, in society or in your own family. So he offered them the home he wished someone would have offered him back when he needed it the most. 

The apartment actually belonged to Eskild’s grandmother. She was the one person who’d always been there for him no matter what. When he was younger he’d left the small town further north in Norway to come live with her in Oslo. He thrived in a new, bigger city. Yes, he still wasn’t totally accepted when he started high school there but he found a group of friends, he found a way to make his own space there. He found a way to be himself and start expanding on who that person was, his personality was finally allowed to grow beyond. 

They had a few great years together in this place, him and his grandmother, before she got ill. By the time Eskild was in his third and final high school year, they knew she wouldn’t make it much longer. Still she lived to see him graduate, only passing away in the early summer. In her will she’d given him the apartment as well as some money to use for travelling. That summer he went on a crazy adventure, travelling around the globe. He returned to start school after Christmas almost two years ago. 

During that spring he took in his first roommate, Linn. She was also a student at the university but it was clear she was struggling to keep up. He got to know her, got to see her goofy side but mostly she just came across as tired. Burned out. She started living with him, paying rent of course because honestly Eskild wasn’t going to run this house like a charity. It was a great apartment in central Oslo, he needed to collect rent. When summer came she came to him and said she might take a sabbatical from school, said she’d been diagnosed with depression. Said her parents promised to provide her with the money she needed for rent. He gave her a hug and told her to do what she needed to do to feel better.

That summer he also met Noora. Not for the first time, he had met her before, long long ago when her parents and his grandmother’s paths had crossed during one of his visits to Oslo (this was before he moved there permanently). His grandmother had watched Noora a lot when she was a child. Anyway, apparently she’d spent some time in Spain and only heard about his grandmother’s passing when she returned. She had reached out to offer her condolences, told him she was moving back to Oslo to start high school. He asked if she had anywhere to stay, she said she was looking but that she needed roommates. That same night he spoke to Linn about the new friend he made and they decided to offer her a room. 

Things come together the way they’re supposed to, Eskild thinks as he takes in the room. The soft Christmas music playing in the background, the laughter. Isak, standing close together with his boyfriend. Now, that’s something Eskild never would have predicted just months ago when that boy was so deep into the closet they named a river in Egypt after him. Eskild is so happy for him, a bit jealous at times yes, very worried at other times because he remembers heartbreak and Isak has already experienced plenty of it himself. But. The thing is, Eskild has grown to care about Even too. Not surprising perhaps, another stray. This one does seem to have parents that care though, that’s a first. But he is yet another troubled soul. Very handsome too, Eskild certainly isn’t going to oppose the company of someone as easy on the eyes as Even. Either way, heartbreak was meant to be experienced. To avoid it you’d have to have no heart and who would want to live like that. Not him, that’s for sure. 

Eskild likes a good party. This is no rave but it’s nice, cosy is probably the right word. Just the right amount of alcohol flowing, an actual Christmas tree in his apartment, he swears he hasn’t seen one in here since his grandmother was still alive. It’s nice. He almost teared up when Isak had brought the tree home, muttering something about how Vilde just had to have one. Sweet girl that Vilde, also apparently horny, if he were to judge the way she’s currently sucking face with one of Isak’s friends. You go girl, he thinks as he hangs another bedazzled condom on the tree. 

Vilde isn’t the only one who’s getting some tonight. Even and Isak are likely suspects to have a much better time after the party ends, as are Noora and William. Yes. The shock that had spread in the room after the doorbell rang earlier that night and none other than William Magnusson had finally come crawling, asking for Noora’s forgiveness. Eskild isn’t one to judge even though anyone who hurt his friends are an asshole in his eyes, however Noora seems to have forgiven him. He doesn’t judge her for that because a) he trusts her judgment and b) heartbreak is a part of life. Are they gonna live happily every after? They’re 17 and 19 years old so no, probably not. Are they gonna have some great sexy times tonight? Most likely yes. 

Eskild can’t help himself, he exclaims to Linn who happens to be standing next to him:  
“Why am I surrounded by horny teenagers?” her laughter rings through the whole room, loud and free and nothing has ever sounded better. He stares at her, amused. 

“Eskild,” she says, still laughing. “You might not be a teenager anymore, but you’re still the horniest of them all. You’re just jealous that you have no one to share all that sexual energy with.” 

He smiles, punches her lightly in the shoulder. “You might be onto something there girl…” he winks.

The night goes on. So does life. Right now life is pretty good. Choosing to be happy isn’t difficult at all. Sure, he doesn’t have everything he’s ever wanted, but it’s not too far off.

# 14: The ones who made a difference by withstanding the indifference (SANA)

Real recognize real. Sana Bakkoush is as real as they come. Never confirming, never bowing down, never silencing her voice, never lowering her gaze, never allowing others perceptions and misconceptions of her to alter her own view of herself. 

It’s not as if...it’s not as if she’s never weak. As if she never wakes up from nightmares. Or involuntarily shivers if she’s walking home alone at night and feels the stares of strange men whose gaze follows the back of her hijab-clad head as she pointedly does not meet their eyes and increases her pace. She’s only human after all. She’s only a girl, a teenage girl trying to figure out the world and her place in it. Just like everyone else. 

She’s not always right. Even if she is, a lot of the time. She tries to differentiate between fact and opinion, between bias and non-bias, between logic and emotion. It doesn’t always work. But she tries.She still feels a bit bad for having told Isak that homosexuality wasn’t normal according to evolution theory. Admitting she was wrong in that case had been difficult, but necessary. Honestly she’d just wanted to prove some weird point to him. Her first instinct upon being questioned on her religion was always to fight back with facts, turn the question around on whoever’s been nosey enough to ask. He believed in evolution theory? Then she’d use evolution theory against him. 

Targeting homosexuality though, that hadn’t been fair of her. Sure, Isak wasn’t out at that time. But there were rumors and Sana wasn’t dumb, she’d suspected. She’d know what she was doing targeting that aspect, knowing where an opponent is the weakest is crucial in any situation. Only, thinking back on it later on she wished she hadn’t let herself take it so far on that occasion. It was quite unnecessary. Sana had apologised, admitted to being wrong and even tried to impress upon him how using religion as a tool to discriminate against anyone for any reason was beyond wrong. She wasn’t sure, but she was starting to suspect he had some religious family members. Sana knew all about that. She hoped he listened and was able to take her words to heart. Hate doesn’t come from religion, hate comes from fear.

It’s December and Christmas is approaching. Which of course meant Vilde wanted Kosegruppa to have a Christmas gathering. Somehow she’d convinced Isak to let them do the party at his place again. Sana didn’t mind. She decided earlier today that she would even bring a little Christmas present for Isak. Not that she celebrated Christmas but it seemed like as good of a time as ever to give him this specific gift. 

She’s having a good time, the mood is light, the candle light is warm and soft, the music albeit cheesy and ridiculous spreads a certain mood through the room. She’s with her friends, her place in the group comfortable and obvious. It wasn’t so obvious to start with. But she’d known early on that this was were she was supposed to be. Real recognize real, and she’d seen something real and true in all these girls. Even in Vilde, honestly. Yeah they struggled at first, they still struggle at times. But she is a truly kind soul and so much tougher than she appears. Sana hadn’t been lying when she’d told Noora that time that Vilde was the first one she’d take with her into a war.

After a while, she notices Isak and Even alone in the kitchen. They don’t appear to be doing anything too interesting, not that she’d ever hesitate to interrupt a kiss. Interrupting couples kissing or trying to hook up is hilarious and Sana always likes a good time. She gets up from her seat, tells the girls she’ll be right back and walks over to them. Hah. She is interrupting a kiss. 

“Hello,” she says, smirking slightly. 

“Sana!” Isak exclaims, moving just a few inches further away from his boyfriend. “You know Even?” he asks, unnecessarily. 

“Kosegruppa,” Sana replies. 

Isak looks at Even and says “Biology partner,” he looks at Sana. “And friend,” he adds. 

Sana smiles. 

Even asks how Isak is doing in Biology, clearly teasing him. 

Sana plays along and Isak gets mock offended. 

“I brought you a Christmas present,” she eventually says, pulling out the small package she’s kept on her all day. 

“No way?” Isak seems genuinely surprised. His eyebrows rise even higher when he sees what’s in there. Hah! She knew that 10% of their stash would come to good use at some point.

_Flash forward_

It’s a bit later. Vilde is off somewhere with Magnus. Sana has a good feeling about those two actually. It’s nice to see Vilde getting something potentially good instead of pining after something definitely bad. A nice change. Chris is texting Kasper while Eva just returned to their table after having a discussion with Isak over at another table. Now she’s talking about something with Noora while also eyeing Chris. The other Chris. Penetrator Chris. Sana has some thoughts about that too. They’d teased Eva earlier that night, about how Chris had only come for her sake. But Sana is pretty sure it is the actual truth, not just a funny joke to throw around. She’s tried to make it clear to Eva that there is nothing wrong with it. As if they would judge her for falling for him when Noora had gone hook, line and sinker for William. 

Anyway. Sana notices Even standing alone, Eskild who’d been beside him just a minute before has left to go do something somewhere else. She can’t see him in the room right now so maybe he’s gone to the bathroom. Sana decides to give into her curiosity and try to get to know the older boy a bit better. She gets up from the table and walks over to him.

“Hi,” she says. He smiles down at her. 

“Hello again,” he says. She can see his smile is a bit worn around the edges, his eyes a bit tired but he does seem genuinely pleased to be talking to her. Alright then. 

“There were some rumors about you going around school,” she goes straight to the point. 

Even looks down at his feet, squirms a bit before sheepishly meeting her eyes. “They were all most likely true,” he says. 

Sana furrows her brows a bit. “Rumors usually have a core of truth to them,” she allows. “But there were some seriously impossible stuff being said. I shut down anyone I heard spreading that stuff though.”

“Thank you,” Even’s smile is brighter now. “You don’t even know me and yet you’d do that, it means a lot.”

“I know Isak well enough, and I trust his judgement,” she says. “Besides, I know what it’s like, to be talked about, having rumors spread about you. It doesn’t matter if parts are true or not. It’s still not fair.”

“Yeah,” Even agrees. “Hey!” he lights up suddenly. “Did you know I once studied the Koran and was pretty successful in memorising it...in Arabic?” 

“What?! For real?” Sana exclaims way more happily than she usually would, anyone who heard would question her ice-queen demeanour but she couldn’t care less right now. She stares at him, incredulous, at a loss for words for what feels like the first time in her life. “How’d you like it?”

_Flash forward_

“It’s just something I thought about,” Noora says. “We just take for granted that everyone celebrates Christmas. Even if barely anyone celebrates it for Jesus anymore. But of course not everyone celebrates it. Norway has Jews, Muslims, Jehovah's Witnesses.” 

Sana nods. “I mean, no I don’t celebrate it. My family doesn’t. But sometimes while growing up I’ve been invited to Christmas parties at friends’ houses. And of course, if you're in a Norwegian school you’re gonna be exposed to Christmas festivities.”

Noora’s expressive eyes have their full focus on her, she’s taking in every word Sana says. “And that’s okay with you?”she asks. 

Sana laughs a bit. “Yeah I mean...there’s nothing offensive about Christmas. Sure the traditional songs with a lot of Jesus focus can get a bit much but it’s not like Islam does not acknowledge Jesus’ existence as well.” 

Noora opens her mouth, no doubt to ask further questions on the topic. But then they both notice Isak standing right by them wanting their attention. He starts speaking, telling Noora someone’s at the door for her. Suddenly Sana feels as if she just knows, she just knows who exactly is at the door. She looks at Eva and Chris and they seem to be thinking the same thing. This is not good. 

_Flash forward_

I trust my friends’ judgement, I trust my friends’ judgment, I trust my friends’ judgement. She repeats it in her mind, as a mantra as she takes some calming breaths. Noora just left with William a while ago. Now Eva just took Penetrator Chris’ hand and they left as well. She does trust her friends’ judgement. That doesn’t mean she has to like seeing them hurt, with their hearts broken. She’s still going to be there to pick up and put the pieces together. Every time.

The party is coming to a natural end as more and more people filter out. Even and Isak seem very eager to have everyone leave too, she doesn’t have to use much imagination to know what they’ll be up to once everyone’s cleared out. She doesn’t understand how Eskild and Linn don’t go crazy from living with them. Maybe their sexual activities aren’t that loud. Who knows. Suddenly Chris bumps her shoulder against Sana’s. 

“Wanna get out of here?” she asks. “We can walk to the bus together.”

They don’t live in the same part of town, otherwise she’s sure Chris would have offered to walk her all the way home. Chris is under appreciated at times in their friend group, but she’s always the one making sure the others are doing okay. Once, Sana had let slip to Chris that she was uncomfortable waiting for the bus alone, that the risk of getting harassment for being who she is was a lot higher then. Ever since Chris had always made an extra effort to make sure Sana was comfortable and felt safe on her way home. Sana appreciates it more than she could ever hope to express in words.

Sana smiles and hooks her arm into the crook of Chris’. “Yeah let’s go,” she says. 

# 15: I’m lost in admiration could I need you this much (EVEN)

It’s like coming up for air after being underwater for a bit too long. Chest aching, lightheaded, gasping, finally inhaling, through the pain finally able to live again. That’s how he’d describe it. The rise from depression to a more normal state of mind. It hurts. But it also feels so good. It’s exhausting, because the time under water is always so draining, but it’s also the one time he feels like he’s actively recharging with good energy. 

Mania is high energy, is life, is thinking everything at once, wanting everything at once, never sleeping, never blinking. It’s climbing higher and higher until falling, until crashing to the ground, slipping underwater. Mania isn’t real energy, not mellow, solid, every day breathing, living, loving energy. Even wishes his life could only be compiled of the average moments. There’s nothing wrong with average.

Coming to Hartvig Nissen was supposed to be a fresh start for Even. Yes, he had to retake a year. That wasn’t ideal. But it was a different school, different people. He chose to see it as a good thing. Even never struggled to make friends. He was approachable, had many different topics of conversation in which he’d be able to express an opinion. He could be funny when he wanted to as well. So on day one, actually during the first couple of hours of day one, he already found some people in his class that he could keep up conversations with and sit with during lessons. It was a good start.

Then during the first break on that first day, he saw him. It was weird. Unlike anything he’d really experienced before. It was like the whole world narrowed down to this one boy. At first the sensation almost reminded him of slipping into mania. In a schoolyard full of people, this one boy was suddenly the only thing he saw. Curly, blonde hair peeking out from under a snapback. A smile, held back laughter as the boy spoke to a couple of other kids who must have been his friends. Too far away to be able to hear his voice, Even was left imagining what the boy sounded like, what his laugh would be like up close. If his hands were soft or coarse, if he was warm to the touch or if he was one of those people who always felt cold and needed a blanket to stay warm.

In those few seconds after first spotting him, Even had time to think so much and wonder so many things. His heart raced with the hope of one day finding an answer to all the questions, of getting to know the boy well enough to discover every detail there was to know about his body, mind and soul.

Even snapped out of it when one of his new classmates remarked that he seemed to have zoned out a bit. He came back to reality and was a bit thrown off at first. What even was that? He wasn’t used to spacing out for no reason. Was it stress? First day of school would probably be expected to be stressful. He allowed himself take a couple breaths more and asses his own mental state. Actually no, he wasn’ stressed out over anything, things were going well so far. He’d just had a strong reaction to that boy. The thing was, that boy was just cute, really cute. Even honestly felt nothing unusual, apart from how his heart was still racing at the thought of that boy being mere meters away from him. He faced his classmates again, with a cool smile, acting unaffected. Even asked who that boy was. Isak, they replied. A second year student, Isak Valtersen. They changed the subject, but Even memorised the name.

It was all a rush after that. Or at least, thinking back on it now, it seems like it was a rush. Nothing crazy about it really. Just the way things happen when you’re happy. When you’re living. That way that time moves fast when you’re having fun. Not that he wasn’t also holding back, refraining from giving out certain information, avoiding things. He was. But that also added to the sensation of things moving fast, of days rushing by. For once it felt like things were moving in the right direction, rushing towards something better.

Time sped up even more after Even had properly met Isak for the first time at Kosegruppa. He did something stupid and random with the paper towels in the bathroom that night. He did it because he had to. In that moment, it’s what he had to do. Sometimes when you get an impulse, it’s better to just go with it. And well, bonus points for Even since it got the other boy’s attention. The thrill of finally having Isak’s attention on him made Even brave, made him basically order Isak to come out and have a smoke with him. 

His heart was racing as he walked out, not knowing if Isak would follow. When he heard the steps, he started smiling and never wanted to stop.  
Even first spoke to Isak on a bench outside of school while smoking. Isak still didn’t even know his name. By the end of that evening, Isak knew his name and Even had also managed to wave off a girl that clearly was interested in Isak. He noted, with interest that Isak hadn’t seemed to keen on her. That was good.

Why was that good? What did Even want with this boy? It’s not that he was totally oblivious. He recognized what was happening here. Even had realized years ago, even before he started dating his girlfriend, that he found both girls and boys attractive. Yet Sonja had been his first love, and thus far, his only. Ever since he’d first seen Isak he’d wondered about the entirety of him. Wanted to know him deeply, intimately. Body, mind and soul. That feeling had only intensified after actually meeting him and speaking to him.That feeling wasn’t usual and he couldn’t put a name on it. It was something that felt new to Even. He just didn’t know what to make of it at first. 

However, by the time he met Isak again on the bus and took him home with him after lying about not having his ID on him, Even was forced to admit he was developing a crush on the other boy. 

As they were laughing about awful cardamom cheese toasties, smoking and discussing music, that feeling only solidified in his chest. Then the magic spell was broken when Sonja and their friends showed up. Isak left. Maybe not a surprise even though Even said he could stay. Even wanted him to stay. Yet he kissed Sonja, and tried not to feel guilty. Towards who? He wasn’t sure. He thought maybe Isak looked a bit hurt. That hurt him. Sonja seemed as oblivious as ever. That didn’t hurt as much. 

Kosegruppa pregame before the revue party came and went. Isak with that girl, why? He didn’t look comfortable. Yet he made out with her on the dancefloor. Even, being as mature as possible, made out with his girl too. Everything felt wrong. Staring contest happening over the heads of their girls. Wrong. Then cleaning up and almost almost kissing. Each other. Only. Being interrupted by some blonde girl who Isak clearly knew. Former roommate. Life happens.

Then Halloween came rushing at them. The girls, present. Awkward. Even snapping at Sonja for trying to restrict him, control him. Yes, he knew he wasn’t being fair. Not totally. But he was well now, he felt normal, he just wanted things. Another beer, a smoke. Isak. So he took what he wanted. He got reckless. 

They broke into someone’s house because Even wanted them to. White lies. Suddenly they were underwater. It was beautiful. But nothing was as beautiful to him as Isak, gasping for air, laughing. Choking on water. Finally. Kissing him. Kissing each other. Kissing underwater. Kissing over water. Then. Interrupted. By a tiny child. Rushing to get out of there, to escape. Laughing. Kissing. Spending days in bed, kissing at Isak’s. Only kissing. Talking about parallel universes, about life. Feeling so much. Feeling so good. Even didn’t even have time to feel guilty. "Can’t we just stay in this moment", he said. And so they did. 

The moment ended. Reality stopped by again. School. Sonja. Even spoke to her about what had happened. She seemed….not surprised. Not hurt. Well, not as much as maybe she should have been if things between them had been good. But they hadn’t been good. Not for a long time. She said they could take a break. He told Isak and saw the boy’s face light up and they made out in the locker room at school. Even was giddy, flying high on the feeling, Isak seemed to be experiencing the same thing. Then Isak talked about his parents. Then Isak said it. He said: “I’m better off without mentally ill people in my life.” 

Even felt like the giddy feeling inside him was a big and bright balloon that someone let all the air out of in one big swoop. Even felt his world come crashing down around him but as always he tried to not let it show.

It wasn’t fair. Yes, Even realized Isak meant his mother. He had a hard time with his mother and her illness. It wasn’t meant to reflect on Even. But. If Isak knew. If Isak knew that he was ill. Wouldn’t that just mean he’d break it off? Ignore Even forever. 

So he forced himself to pull back. Came back to Sonja with his head low. She held him as he cried, over someone else. He honestly didn’t deserve her, yet she held him. The last time he kissed her was at a party. At the time, he didn’t know Isak had been there to witness. He didn’t know how that had crushed the other boy. But in that moment, he knew he couldn’t continue with her. It wasn’t fair at all, to either of them. No matter what would or wouldn’t happen with Isak, him and Sonja had to close the chapter on what had been their love story. It was actually a relief.

Turns out time moves really slow when you’re waiting. Hanging around in limbo, heartbroken yet hopeful. Unsure, uncertain. Bored. Even missed Isak. That’s why he’d started dropping off drawings in his locker. 

Even wanted to know what Isak was thinking but the other boy had looked too hurt, so thrown off when they’d bumped into each other at the cafeteria. Even just wanted a way back in. Maybe he shouldn’t want that. Maybe Isak would still break his heart if he found out he was ill. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to Isak to make him deal with Even. But Even felt fine now, he was coping, he was managing well. He was fine. Except for how he missed Isak, that part wasn’t fine but he had to hope it would be again one day. 

The way in came when Isak texted and asked him to not contact him until he’d broken it off with Sonja. Rushing over to Isak’s house, Even was out of breath, nervous, sweaty. He had to tell him, they had to do this right. When Isak opened the door all rational thought flew out the window next thing they were kissing kissing kissing. Even never told him.

Things were so good. Even was flying, soaring. His heart nearly bursting with love. Dancing in the kitchen with Isak. Kissing, kissing always kissing. Smiling. Laughing. Teasing. Talking. Isak’s roommates were great. Isak’s friends were great too. Everything was great. Isak was nervous about a test he had to study for. Even had the best idea, the best surprise. Everything was great. Isak was great. Isak would take his test and they would celebrate with this awesome surprise that Even had prepared. It was going to be great. 

In hindsight…He should have noticed Isak’s expression when he told him about the hotel suite. Apprehension, caution, disbelief. In hindsight he should have stopped to think. A hotel suite isn’t exactly cheap. But hindsight is a shitty teacher. In the moment, it means nothing. Either way, Isak never vocalized his concerns and once they were in their suite it had been as if the world ceased to exist. It was just the two of them. Enjoying each other’s company, enjoying each other’s bodies, enjoying the room service Even made them order.

Even was so happy. He had to tell Isak just how happy he was, he had to tell him of all the grand plans he had for them. Rambling about some scene from Pretty Woman he exclaimed: “Princess Vivian! Princess Vivian!”

Didn’t Isak realize the world was at their feet? They would get married, they’d be together forever. In every universe, for all time. It doesn’t have to be Romeo and Juliet. Their love story would be the best most epic love story despite neither of them dying. Because they were the best, they were great and Isak had to realize how great it all was. How great their marriage would be.

“Marriage?” Isak had sounded disbelieving again, cautious, but Even hadn’t noticed too full of feelings of life of love of everything. Too high up. Too much. He should have noticed but he didn’t and Isak didn’t question anything. Not that it would have helped, it probably wouldn’t.

Isak fell asleep.  
Even did not.

A gush of cold December air comes crashing right into his face, distracting him from his thoughts. Even sighs, coming back to the present. He rubs his cold hands against the side of his jeans. Getting lost in thought isn’t exactly how he’d been planning to spend the evening. His thoughts still feel a bit too foggy, too fuzzy around the edges. Breathing still hurts a bit too much, just like when you’ve been underwater for too long. 

He’s outside of Isak’s place. Holding his phone, having just finished up a conversation with his mother. It had been a good conversation, she’d sounded happy to hear his voice, to hear that he was breathing again, no longer drowning. Once they’d hung up he’d wanted to collect himself for a bit before going back in, but he’d gotten lost in thought. Typical.

The Kosegruppa is having a Christmas party inside. A few days ago there’s no way Even could have even contemplated being here for the party. But today he’s feeling better, he’s felt better for a while now. But back then he’d been too deep in the depression that usually follows his manic episodes. Too deep underwater. Still. It had been, Even was sure this was the wrong word to use but he couldn’t find a better, it had been comfortable in a way it usually wasn’t.

See, having come to his senses at the hospital after the police had taken him there after finding him walking the streets of Oslo stark naked, he’d felt nothing. That was normal, sedatives had that effect. His parents had come for him and he’d slept, slept and slept. 

Then the depression came and it was brutal. Because of Isak. Because he knew now. Because he’d hurt him so bad. Because Isak texted him back after Even tried to text him some lyrics to express the jumble of feelings and thoughts he was dealing with and Isak texted back telling him to stop. To stop texting. To Even it came across as more than that, it seemed like Isak wanted him stop being in his life at all. Even wanted to stop existing right then. He really did.

But he didn’t. He never did anything rash, didn’t act on those thoughts. His mother was right there, keeping him together as well as she could. And he didn’t feel suffocated, mostly because he didn’t feel much at all except for emptiness and sadness and self-loathing. 

Somehow one night, he got sick of breathing the same air. He needed to do something. So Even snuck out and walked towards the school. He texted Isak. Just a day or two before Isak had reached out, he thought he’d never hear from him again but Isak reached out and told him to contact him whenever he felt up to it. In that moment, apart from not feeling much at all, he felt up to it. He wanted to apologize, needed to. Needed to try to explain. Needed to say good bye. Get them some closure. He didn’t know what he’d do next. He just knew he needed to say those things to Isak.

The next thing he knew, he was walking out from the school, from the bathroom where they’d first met. And there in front of the bench where they’d first talked, there Isak was standing, out of breath, looking frantically around. Their eyes met. Then suddenly Even was in his arms, Isak whispering: “You’re not alone,” in his ear. Oh, Even thought. He’s here. 

After having tried to leave the next day, trying to explain to Isak that it wasn’t good for him that Even was there, that Even would just hurt him, Isak had been steady, had wanted him to stay. “Let’s do this minute by minute,” he’d said. 

“And what should we do this minute?” Even had asked. 

“This minute we kiss.” 

And they did. They kissed. And Even stayed. 

Through those days that now he could barely remember, days of sleeping, of never smiling, of barely eating, of Isak’s room mates trying to start conversations and making him food, through all that Even felt comfortable. Like things might be ok soon, like he would be able to come up for air eventually.

A party is a bit much, he can feel the exhaustion close by. But these people do genuinely make him happy. Not just Isak. As he walks back in, he spots his boyfriend standing in the kitchen with his boys. And Even has really grown fond of them too. Jonas with his laid back attitude, Mahdi with his dry sense of humour and Magnus. Magnus with his awkwardness and his big goofy smile. 

“What are you guys up to?” he asks as he approaches them. Isak’s whole face lights up when he sees him and his eyes are sparkling as they meet Even’s. 

“We’re trying to help Magnus fuck Vilde,” he explains. The boys keep throwing advice Magnus’ way and the poor kid just looks nervous. Even sighs, smiles.

“Hey Magnus, “ he says. “Why won’t you just be you? Take desperate to the next level.” His advice is met with approval and before they know it, Magnus is on his way towards Vilde with Jonas and Mahdi following close behind to spy.

Then he’s closer to Isak again. As close as he’d always be if it would be possible. Isak, always so sweet, always so caring. Inquiring how he’s doing. Wanting what’s best for him. Not suffocating. Not controlling, just genuinely wanting to know. Even tells him about the phone call with his mom.

“She wants to meet you,” he says. “So if you want, we could go over there tomorrow?” Isak gets all flustered, Even smiles. 

“Is that embarrassing for you?” he teases. 

Isak suddenly seems more serious, shakes his head.“No, nothing embarrasses me anymore,” he says, then smiles slightly. “ As long as you’re smiling.” 

Even smiles bigger at that. “That can be arranged,” he replies.

“And wearing clothes,” Isak adds.

Even laughs. “I promise I’ll wear clothes.” 

They kiss.

Then Sana is there. Even hasn’t really met her before, only briefly at Kosegruppa, only seen her in the hallways at school. She brings weed, there’s a conversation he only understands half of and then she goes. They tease and joke around with the weed. Even isn’t being irrational right now, he knows he shouldn’t. And he honestly doesn’t feel like Isak is overstepping when he says Even won’t be having any of that. But teasing and joking is fun. It keeps the exhaustion at bay, at least for a while longer. 

The rest of the night passes by in a bit of a blur. He’s joking and laughing with Eskild, too tired to make the laugh 100% sincere but he thinks Eskild understands and he knows he’s not judging. 

He meets Linn’s eyes across the room a few times and sees the same understanding there, no judgement. He’s happy she seems to be having a good night, her smile a bit worn out but it’s there and it doesn’t seem fake. At least not more fake than his own. 

At some point he’s talking to Sana, she seems so happy when he tells her he’s studied the Koran. They talk about Islam for a while and Even enjoys it, likes feeling his brain work, likes feeling like he’s getting something good out of that one manic episode where he couldn’t stop until that whole book was imprinted on his brain cells. 

At some point the doorbell rings, he’s not sure if it’s after or before the conversation with Sana. The night does blur even though he’s not drinking. A lot of the night he’s spending next to Isak, either talking or kissing. When the doorbell rings, they’re kissing.

Awkwardly trying to make conversation with an older boy who he’s never seen before but heard of briefly, isn’t doing wonders for his mental state. He can feel the energy getting drained out of him by the second and he glances over his shoulder to see what’s taking Isak so long. Then thankfully he returns with Noora. Whatever drama is about to go down, Even is happy to be sidelined for.

Eventually the party ends. Not too late, people had started pouring out of there naturally, one by one dropping off. Even finds himself in Isak’s bedroom again.

“How are you?” his beautiful boy asks him. 

“Tired,” Even says. “That was fun,” he adds, not actually sincere.

Isak smiles knowingly. “You’re a terrible liar,” he replies as he shuffles around so he ends up lying on top of Even, looking straight into his eyes.

“It was fun,” Even defends. “It was just exhausting too.” 

“Yeah,” Isak agrees. “And I kept wanting to do this.” He reaches down a little and their lips meet. 

Even chuckles when they pull back. “As if we haven’t been making out for most of the night,” he teases. 

Isak smirks. 

“Yeah well, I couldn’t do this in front of everyone now could I…” he trails off as he starts to move down Even’s body. Oh. Oh. Okay. Maybe Even’s not so tired anymore.

There’s something so precious about seeing another person and seeing all of them. Seeing them naked, exposed, not just in the sense of body but in mind too. When they’ve seen you at your best and your worst. When you’re at your most vulnerable. It’s precious.

Even is thinking of that as they’re both trying to get their breathing back to normal, coming back down from their orgasms. Isak is still sucking on Even’s neck, working on a hickey. Even brushes the fringe away from Isak’s forehead and tries to kiss him there. 

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” he asks, feeling his eyelids grow heavier again. Exhaustion finally catching up with him. 

“To clean up from the party? Yeah of course, that’s no stress, we’ve done that before,” Isak jokes, acting oblivious on purpose. Even pries his eyes open to stare at him, faking indignation.

“To meet my mom, dumbass.” Isak laughs.

“Yeah,” he says, slowly laying his head down on Even’s chest and letting out a content sigh. “I’m ready.”

As their breaths slow down so does Even’s arm that was caressing Isak’s shoulder. Contentment is filling the room, sleep is taking over.

In this minute, they’re happy. Actually happy in an average and wonderful way. Even wants to freeze the moment. Keep it forever. But he’s curious about the next minute too, and the next, and the next. He wants to see what all the minutes that he’ll have with Isak is going to bring.

“I’m ready too,” he thinks before succumbing to sleep. “I’m ready for anything with you.” 

# 16: Who wants the perfect love story anyway? (ISAK)

Isak wakes up. He wakes up slowly. Takes inventory of his body, his surroundings. He’s not hungover. He honestly didn’t drink much last night at the Kosegruppa Christmas party. The bed is warm, he’s warm, he’s...pressed up against something warm. Someone warm. Oh. He slowly opens his eyes to find Even there. Arms holding him, spooning him. Even holding Isak’s body close to his chest. Even’s steady breaths caressing his neck. 

In this minute, there’s nothing he wants more than to always wake up like this. There could be no better way to start a day. He’s so lucky that this has been his reality the past week, waking up with a warm body next to him. A living, breathing body. Someone he thought he’d never get to have this close ever again. This minute, this moment is so fragile, so rare, so important. He lets out a silent, content sigh and snuggles in closer. Just a few minutes longer, they’ll stay just like this just a little while longer.

Sometimes Isak feels as if he’s lived several lifetimes already. Like all the experiences of every Isak in every parallel universe suddenly rest on his shoulders. 

He’s only seventeen years old. He’s allowed to be an immature kid at times. He shouldn’t have had to shoulder so much, to deal with so much already in his life. But that’s how it is. You gotta play the cards you’re dealt with. He didn’t ask for any of it. He never wanted to be “different.” Never wanted a sexuality that differed from the norm. Never wanted parents that split up. Never wanted a mentally ill mother. Never wanted a cloud of fear hanging over his head 24/7. But that’s what he got. All of it’s shaped who he is, sometimes too much, sometimes not enough. Things get better when you realize resistance is futile. When you realize that change is unavoidable, that life hurts but you can still be happy if you allow yourself the opportunity to be. Trust is hard but once your dare try, it can prove to be so worth the risk. Throwing yourself off a cliff may sometimes end in broken bones, but when you’re caught by arms that help you land softly, there’s reason to hope again. So he’s been trying to grow up. Things have been so messed up for over a year now. What he did to Eva and Jonas last year, he’s felt so bad about it but he’s not been able to deal with it. There’s been so much he’s been unable to deal with. 

Eskild finding him when he did and taking him in honestly probably saved Isak’s life. Not to be dramatic, it’s not like he would have offed himself. Probably. At least not on purpose. But things were spiraling. Things with his mom had reached breaking point again and again and his dad was keeping his distance. 

When his mom found gay porn in the browser history on Isak’s computer it was game over. She shouldn’t have been snooping, she wasn’t allowed to snoop in his room, go through his things. She lost it, started ranting about God and redemption and she’d just gotten so out of control. He said he’d let her pray for him if only she got some sleep first. Said she seemed tired. Somehow she chose to listen. He watched her take the pills she’d usually take to fall asleep. He watched her tuck herself in after almost throwing another fit when he’d offered to help. She was still talking to people who weren’t there until the very moment her breathing slowed down and she was a sleep. The minute he knew she was asleep and would stay that way for quite a while, he shoved a bunch of his things in a backpack and took off. 

He’d felt guilty right away. Leaving your mother when she was ill, when she had no one else to take care of her, that wasn’t right. But he just couldn’t breathe in there. She was talking to people he was fairly sure didn’t even exist except for in her mind. Or talking to dead people, like Jesus. Yeah, he just couldn’t. The fear took over as it had many times proving itself stronger than the guilt. The nagging thought at the back of his head: would he one day lose it like that? 

Once he was out of the house he didn’t know where to go. It was starting to get late. He couldn’t just show up at Jonas’ house. He couldn’t explain the gay thing to him no way, besides there was no gay thing to explain. So what if he’d gotten curious and looked at some porn once, okay a few times. No big deal. He still couldn’t go to Jonas. Wake up his siblings, it was closing in on midnight. He couldn’t stay at Jonas’ either. His friend would offer, of course he would, but his house was crowded enough as it was with his parents and siblings living there was well as an aunt and a cousin. It wasn’t gonna work. Isak despaired, roaming the streets of Oslo smoking the last of a stash of weed he’d gotten earlier that week. 

Somehow he ended up at a bar. Somehow he was let in. Somehow he was bought a bunch of drinks. Somehow he found himself outside the club and it was late and he was so out of it he couldn’t tell you what day it was, he barely knew his own name. That’s how Eskild found him.Isak was so lucky that Eskild had been the one to find him, it could have been anyone, Isak could have ended up in an even worse place than he was that night.

Isak snaps back to reality. To the here and now. He’s watching, as he’s directing Even to where they keep the trash bags. It’s around past noon, the day after the Kosegruppa party. Despite his best intentions Isak had fallen asleep again that same morning. Eventually Even had been the one to wake him up with a soft kiss and a remainder that they’d promised to clean and that Vilde was likely to show up soon to help as well. Isak had been pleased to be awoken like that. Pleased that Even seemed to not be too drained by last night’s social activities.

He’d been worried, maybe it was too soon for Even to attend a party. He’d been so low, barely doing anything but sleeping for days. Isak had been very clear that he didn’t have to attend. Isak wanted him around all the time but he could go to his parents if he wanted, or stay in Isak’s room and rest. But Even had chosen to join the party. And today there didn’t appear to be any bad effects of that choice, at least as far as Isak could tell as their eyes meet across the room and Even teasingly raises his eyebrows as Eskild keeps talking. 

“You good?” he asks, as they work side by side cleaning the room. Eskild has gone off to get the door, it’s probably Vilde who’s arrived. 

Even smiles, a little frail around the edges but genuine. “I’m good,” he says. “It’s you I’m worried about!” 

“Me?!” Isak exclaims, mock offended, thrilled that Even is feeling up to this at all, to be teasing and joking around with him again. “I’m always good, I’m the best at it actually. Master of feeling good, and making others feel good as well if you must know.”

Even laughs, his golden locks getting ruffled and his eyes shining.

“Oh I do know a thing or two about that,” he winks. “I just meant, you might be starting to get a little nervous, since we’re having dinner with my parents in a few hours.” 

Isak gulps, almost swallowing his own tongue. Oh. He’d kinda...blocked that out. Right. He’s meeting Even’s parents today.

“I thought it was just your mom?” He hopes he doesn’t sound nervous when he finally replies. 

He wasn’t lying yesterday when he’d told Even nothing would ever make him feel embarrassed again after what had happened that night at the hotel suite. That didn’t stop him from being nervous about meeting people that are so important to his boyfriend. He wants make a good impression but he has no idea how he’s going to do that. He isn’t used to interacting with parents and when he has to, like with his own, it usually isn’t a great experience. 

“Yeah but she texted this morning, dad’s business trip was postponed so he’s going to be joining us too. Don’t worry about it though,” Even adds sounding more serious now, calmer, as if he can sense Isak’s distress and wants to soothe him. 

He’s put his hand on his arm too, softly caressing, as if he’s trying to soothe a spooked animal. Isak wouldn’t admit it out loud but it works, the fear cloud over his head starts to evaporate again, the anxiety lessening. Even smiles and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“You have nothing to worry about because they’re going to love you.” 

The next minute they’re interrupted by Eskild who’s brought Vilde so Isak only has time to fleetingly think that he hopes Even is right. He wants him to be. 

Sometimes when he’s feeling lost and out of depth, Isak looks at the text message his mother sent him after he’d finally come out to her. That’s what he’s doing right now, as Even is in the shower. Vilde left maybe an hour earlier, all flustered and nervous before her big date with Magnus. Isak had tried to calm her down, just as he was doing when answering the texts from Magnus who was frantically trying to decide what to wear. He’d just replied to another text in the groupchat he had with the boys when his fingers had decided to find their way back to the text from his mother.

He may not have a relationship with his mother right now, but those words comforted something in him he didn’t know needed comforting anymore. Isak thought he’d toughened up, weaned himself of needing the validation of his parents, their acceptance. Yet getting that text from her had been like receiving a gift you never expected, like finally getting some rain after a long drought when you’d stopped hoping, stopped dreaming of water. Of course it takes a while for a desert to be anything but dry, a little rain doesn’t go a long way. There needs to be more than just water for grass to start growing or flowers to start blooming. Try re-planting a flower in dried out dirt in the bottom of an old flower pot and then proceed drench it in water, it’s either going to come alive or die. 

It had been good to see them at the Christmas concert, hug them both briefly. See that they appeared to be doing okay. Show them he was too. He was doing okay. Not thanks to them, but because he was strong and because he’d found people who made him stronger. People who built him up, who accepted him, who loved him. Friends are the family you choose, Isak really felt that. He felt it deeply. But it had been nice to see them. At some point, he’d have to talk to them again. Not because he owed them anything, not really. It was more that he owed it to himself, to get some kind of closure. Did he want a relationship with them? Maybe, but it had to be better than it was before he’d moved out. Isak knew he hadn’t handled things perfectly either but he was just a kid, their kid. Yeah, he’d done a lot of growing up recently but he was still just trying to figure out his path in life as it rushed by around him. Just like everyone else. 

Isak rushed out of the church before the Christmas concert ended so they’d not spoken that night. He’d texted them later apologizing for running off and telling them things were better with him and Even. It wasn’t a conversation, it wasn’t clearing the air, it wasn’t figuring out how his mom was doing or what his father’s plans for the future were. But it was something. Just like that text message from his mother when he needed her the most had been something. Something good. A starting point that could hopefully lead them all towards something better. 

It’s a little bit later. Isak has showered too and picked one of his best shirts to go with the skinny jeans he threw on in a hurry to get out the door. It’s a decent outfit. Hopefully he doesn’t look like he’s trying too hard. 

They’re on the tram, standing in a similar manner as they’d been standing the first time Isak had come home with Even. The only time actually. Isak raises his eyebrows in a very Even fashion. “Seriously?!” he exclaims, jokingly. Even shrugs, not knowing what Isak is getting at. “This is only the second time I’ve been to your house?!”

Even smiles sheepishly. “I guess so,” he admits. “Is that a problem?” he counters, attempting to joke back, winking slightly.

“But you’re at mine all the time,” Isak continues, mock offended.

It’s not as if he’s actually counting the days and nights they’ve spent together and where they’ve been on those occasions. It’s not like it actually matters to him. Same with stuff like keeping track of who’s paid for what on what date. If he was keeping track of that he’d owe Even so much after the hotel incident. He’s just looking for a distraction, from the nerves he’s battling. And the easy banter him and Even can get going from just about any starting point is one of Isak’s favorite types of distractions. 

“Not all the time,” Even gets a slightly distant look on his face, coloring his features in something a bit unpleasant. Isak swallows. True. But he’d rather not think about the time they spent apart.

“Not all the time,” he agrees quickly, ready to drop it. This line of teasing obviously wasn’t working as well as he’d hoped. He’d only wanted to ignore the nervous butterflies racing around in his stomach. “I like having you at my place,” he adds, wanting to make sure Even knows he was only joking around. 

Even’s face brightens again. “You know what, from what I can remember I like having you at mine too.”

The same sense of deja-vu returns when they arrive at Even’s house. Even unlocks the door, just like last time. Walks in the door first, Isak trailing behind, like last time. Even removes his shoes, like last time. He hangs up his jacket while yelling hello into the house, like last time. Only unlike last time, the house answers him. Isak almost drops his coat when he hears a female voice greeting them from somewhere inside the house. He hurries to hang it up on the coat hanger Even has handed him as he hears the voice getting closer. 

Then she’s standing there, in front of them. A tall, slim woman with blonde hair cut in a page. Simple, yet sophisticated make-up shaping her face. Warm, friendly eyes, the same color as Even’s. She claps her hands together and smiles brightly at them.

“Even!” she exclaims. “It’s so good to have you home.” 

She envelops him in a hug, he’s taller than her but not by a lot, yet she seems so much bigger in this moment. Holding him close as if trying to cocoon him, protecting him from the world. Even just lets her, just relaxes into her arms, Isak isn’t close enough to hear but he can imagine Even’s content sigh, almost see his relaxed smile even though his back is currently facing in Isak’s direction. Then she slowly lets go, gives him a kiss on the cheek. Even is blushing, but he looks so happy. Isak can do nothing but smile helplessly. 

She then turns her attention to him. He swallows nervously, sticks his hand out.  
“Mrs Bech-Naehsim,” he says voice trembling slightly. “I’m Isak, Isak Valtersen.” 

She stares at his extended hand for a second, before raising her eyebrows in the same manner her son always does. She reaches out as if to shake his hand only to swiftly ignore it as she goes to put her arms around him instead. Suddenly Isak finds himself in one of the best hugs he’s ever gotten. Seriously, he thinks as he’s trying to get his breathing to slow down and his heart to stop racing, he can see where Even gets his excellent hugging abilities from.

“None of that nonsense dear,” she says, without letting go of him. One of her hands slowly caresses his back, as if trying to calm him. He tenses up at first, not used to strangers hugging him, not used to anyone hugging him really, but he’s relaxing more and more into her embrace. “You should call me Siv.”

“Mom,” Even’s sharp tone interrupts the moment. “Mom maybe you should let Isak breathe now, yeah? It’s not really cool to just surprise hug someone like that. You’re making him uncomfortable.”

Siv quickly releases him, an ooops escaping her parted lips painted with a nude lipstick. She looks at both of them, a bit sheepishly, as if she hadn’t realized she might have done something she shouldn’t have. Isak’s face feels less like it’s on fire now, he’s fairly sure he’s no longer at risk of lighting up the room like a red stop sign. He notices his palms are sweaty, he looks down at them, tries to wipe them off on his jeans, hoping the others won’t comment on it. He then raises his eyes again to once more look at the woman in front of him.

“I’m sorry honey,” she apologizes, eyes on her son, sounding sincere. “We’re a touchy bunch in this family,” she explains, facing Isak now. “If you’re ever uncomfortable with it feel free to push me away or tell me off, I’m a big girl so I can handle it.” She smiles and Isak feels himself returning her smile.

“It’s ok, it was fine,” he says. “It was nice actually,” Isak meets Even’s eyes trying to silently convey that he really is ok, that he already likes this woman a lot. Even seems to relax at that and takes his hand, squeezing it tightly. They end up standing like that for a minute, eyes locked, hands intertwined. It’s so easy to get lost in each other, forgetting everything else. 

“Come on then boys,” Siv says and Isak almost jump away from Even but he keeps his hand in a firm grip. Siv has started walking further into the house towards the kitchen. 

“Dad is setting the table,” she says as they hurry behind her. “I hope you like spaghetti Isak, we’re having carbonara.”

 

As much as Isak had tried to mentally prepare, dinner is nothing like he could have ever imagine. Maybe he should have. Maybe he should have known it would be like this. Even is very much like his parents. Isak can see so many of the same traits in them as he knows and cherishes in his boyfriend. 

When they’d first gotten to the kitchen, Even’s dad had greeted him with a pat on the back and hug. He’d introduced himself as Nils. Then they’d sat down and started plating up the food all the while making conversation. Isak isn’t great at conversations, at least not with people he doesn’t know all that well. He always feels awkward. But Even keeps his hand in his and it helps. Siv’s genuine smile helps too, as does Nils’ steady flow of topics and questions. It’s nice. Isak feels comfortable in a way he never thought he would, never thought he could with anyone but Even. They’re joking, laughing, the food tastes great. The warmth of the stove mixing with the warmth of the company, settles something inside of Isak. It’s nice.That’s not to say there aren’t a few issues as well. He supposes that’s only natural when several topics of conversations are like bombs you need to know exist in order to avoid detonating. There are some topics of conversations Isak and Even have barely touched upon yet. So yeah, at some points it gets a bit dicey. 

Like when Siv enquires about Isak’s family. Even’s hand finds his knee and squeezes it anxiously at that, they’d been forced to stop holding hands in order to hold their knives and forks to be able to consume food like normal people and not animals. Isak swallows the mouthful of spaghetti carbonara he’d just put in, before answering as honestly as he could. 

“We’re not that close,” he says. “I moved out earlier this year, I live in a Kollektiv now. It’s nice.”

Siv looks like she wants to ask more but Even’s toxic gaze must have been enough to shut her up. Isak feels a bit bad, he just can’t really talk about it. He makes a mental note to tell Even it’s ok if he wants to explain things a bit better to his parents later. It’s ok. Isak just struggles with this topic, he never knows what to say. He should probably discuss it a bit more with Even too.  
In one of the last text messages from his dad, he’d asked if Isak wanted to bring Even to meet him, adding that Isak’s mom would be interested in meeting him as well. That was something he’d have to bring up with Even soon. But not right now. Not in this minute.

Another time when it gets a bit awkward is when Nils brings up Even’s whereabouts over the past week. He intends it to be lighthearted, jokingly, Isak can tell. But Even freezes up a bit when his dad starts off by saying: “So Isak, I gather you’ve been taking care of our boy this past week. You must have a really nice place over there, since we haven’t seen him at all.”

He says it smiling, it’s clear he means no harm. But Even is still a little frail around the edges, a little exhausted by the week he’s had. Nils knows that, seems to realize immediately he shouldn’t even have mentioned anything alluding to it. He clears his throat before Isak has a chance to say anything.

“I mean, we’re really grateful Even has you,” Nils adds. “You mean a lot to him, that’s obvious.” Even relaxes slightly, Isak feels it underneath the hand he’s put on his back when he noticed the line of questions was making his boyfriend tense up. “I’m grateful to have him too,” Isak responds, smiling slightly as Even finally looks up and meets his eyes. 

After dinner they sit in the living room, eating chocolate from the Christmas chocolate box Siv has opened, and playing a game of Monopoly. Isak is still struck by how comfortable he is. It makes his heart ache in a way, when he thinks of how it’s been years since he ever felt this comfortable around his own family. He can barely remember the last time they were sat like this, all of them, playing board games, gentle banter filling the air. 

“You ok?” Even whispers in his air, clearly noticing Isak’s sudden distant facial expression. 

“Yeah,” Isak smiles weakly. “Just thinking.”

“About…?” Even inquires. 

“Family.” 

Even nods solemnly. 

“This is nice, it’s really nice. You’re lucky, ” Isak admits. Even smiles. 

“I know,” he says, squeezes Isak’s hand before reaching over to grab the dice, it’s his turn.

Later that night, Isak and Even are snuggled up in bed. Nothing unusual there. The unusual part is that they’re not in Isak’s bed but in Even’s. Siv had offered them both to stay the night. Isak had noticed Even seemed a bit reluctant to leave his family. He’d asked if he wanted Isak to stay with him or if he wanted to be alone with his family for a bit, then they could see each other again tomorrow. They’d spent every single day and night together now for over a week. Maybe Even wanted some space. 

“Is that what you want?” Even had asked, looking a bit worried. Isak had shaken his head so fast the room almost started spinning.

“No,” he’d said. “I never want to be apart from you if I don’t have to. We’ve been apart and it was…”

“It was awful,” Even filled in. 

Isak nodded.

“I was scared,” he admitted. “I still get scared sometimes, but I’m working on it, I don’t mean to be clingy or controlling.”

Even had laughed a bit at that, incredulous. 

“You’re not,” he’d said. “I want to be around you all the time too. And Isak, it’s normal to be scared. I’m scared too, most of the time.”

So they’d decided that Isak would spend the night. Then tomorrow they’d decided what to do next. Maybe tomorrow they’d sleep separately, maybe they’d feel comfortable with that. Isak understands they can’t spend every minute together forever. Life doesn’t work like that. But they've decided to spend this minute together. And right now that’s all that matters. This, this minute is all that exists. 

They’re lying face to face, nose to nose. Breathing the same air, eyes locked. Even is stroking Isak’s hair, Isak stroking Even’s cheek. It’s tender. There’s no rush, there’s no need to do anything but this, to be anywhere but here. It’s nice. 

“Thank you,” Isak says.

“What for?” Even asks, as if he really doesn’t understand why Isak would be thanking for.

“For being here,” Isak replies. “For being you. For being mine.”

Even smiles.

“I’m yours huh?”

“Yup,” Isak grins. “No take backs.”

“No take backs,” Even agrees. 

Isak snuggles in closer, putting his head on Even’s chest. In this minute, things are perfect. In this minute, he can say it and believe things will be ok.

“I love you,” he says. He feels Even’s arms tighten their grip around him slightly.

“I love you too,” Even says before reaching down to kiss him. 

In this minute they kiss. In this minute they love each other.

In this minute they fall asleep holding each other tight. In this minute the world is theirs.

In this minute their love is pure. In this minute life is beautiful. 

In this minute Isak feels a growing hope for more, for many more minutes just like this one. 

In this minute he knows Even feels it too.


End file.
